Dear Infertility

Dear Infertility,

Hello, it’s me again. You know…the little girl you once made to feel inadequate, the teenager you once strived to isolate, and the adult you almost accomplished stealing joy from. Well, I’m here to tell you what you cannot do.

You cannot diminish moments of laughter that echo in my mind for days following. You won’t determine my capacity to love other people and children. You no longer make me feel less of a female or parent or anything else you once tried to convince me of.

You don’t stalk me like you used to. I don’t think of you when I see babies anymore. I actually enjoy going to baby showers now. You used to tag along uninvited just to make me feel uncomfortable.  You are not invited, anymore.

You no longer cause a wedge between me and the loving Father I believe in. You used to do that, you know. I used you as an excuse to not listen to Him. He is bigger than you will ever be.  He reminds me what His plans are for my life, not yours.

You cannot take away forgiveness. You do not replace hope. You obviously offer very little grace, but I do not look to you for it anyway.

For the most part, you were one of my darkest secrets. I hid you away for so long.  Funny thing now is that I’m exposing you to the world. You have become my motivation to write, to reach out, and to love.

At one time, I was incomplete. You filled an ever-growing void with even more sorrow, but not anymore. I will never use you again as a way to justify my lack of purpose or meaning in this life.

Dear infertility…this is not goodbye. I can still use you to be a more passionate person. I can still reminisce of you as a reminder to try and love my children more each day than I did the day before. I see you trying to pull others down and I recognize you right away. I use this as motivation for being a more genuine and empathetic listener. The tears I cry now are not for me, but for those of whom you are trying to take over.

Dear infertility…you have not stolen my ability to have a bountiful life. I have a full, rich life that involves children despite your attempt at taking that away. My life is no longer barren. You did not create a wasteland in me. Oh, I won’t forget you. How can I really? You have traveled with me the vast majority of my life, but you are not my life. Ironically, you have caused me to view life as being precious.

Dear infertility…this is not goodbye. This is me saying hello to all the things that you will never be.

25 thoughts on “Dear Infertility

      1. Charity G

        You are most welcome. Shared this on my personal Facebook page today- and I know friends who have shared it as well. So inspiring Thanks again.

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  1. Mindy Kaye

    Love it dear friend so happy for you and proud of you for your ability to see the amazing life God has blessed you with!

    Like

    1. barrentoblessed

      Thank you. I’ve known since age eleven that I would not have biological children so I’ve had nearly my entire life to process infertility. However, I could not have written these words down 5-6 years ago. There has been a tremendous amount of healing in recent years. Thanks for reading my blog!

      Like

    1. barrentoblessed

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and for your comment. I know how isolating it can feel when infertile, so I am glad that my writing helped bring a layer of understanding to this complex issue. Have a wonderful day!
      Caroline

      Like

  2. greenlightlady

    This is so powerful! I, too, experienced infertility for 12 years. We also suffered through a failed adoption attempt. In our case we eventually did conceive three children (plus miscarriages). I will never forget the loneliness I felt, as people rarely knew what to say. I also got mad at God in the beginning. It seemed like I was abandoned at times; yet, I see now that it was used for good in me. I am not less – I am loved, whether I am a mom or not. Thanks for sharing this. I found it a healing read.

    Like

  3. Pingback: Dear Infertility (Part 2), | barrentoblessed

  4. Pingback: Dear Infertility (Part 3) | barrentoblessed

  5. Pingback: Dear Infertility (Part 4) | barrentoblessed

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