Words Hurt!

a little blurry because I was in a hurry

Standing in line at the grocery store, I glanced over at the latest tabloid newspapers.  As usual, they were spreading gossip about celebrities and others.  I try not to put much effort into noticing these magazines.  I see them not benefiting our society at all.

This time however, my eye caught one the latest headlines and I was somewhat stunned by what it said.  A celebrity couple was splattered all over the covers with statements about how they are heading for a multi-million dollar divorce.  According to the reports, the couple is divorcing because he “snapped” and stated “You can’t give me kids!”

When I read this, I thought “Oh no…no…no…no…they just didn’t go there!”  Sure these magazines and tabloid papers stoop to pretty low levels and truly do not care whose lives they ruin by their false statements, invasion of privacy, and exaggerated facts, but this one really got to me.  How disgustingly low of them to print something like this.  Here are a few reasons I find this to be just simply awful:

  1. If the couple is truly in the midst of fertility struggles, then they may be dealing with the emotional hardships of it.  This type of pain is only something that people who are infertile or otherwise struggling to become parents can understand.  It is a pain that fluctuates with great highs and deep lows.  It is a pain that leaves no mercy and that lingers.
  2. The assumption that their marriage is on the rocks because of infertility is a little insulting.  I know plenty of people with biological children whose marriages have fallen apart.  With that being said though, I suspect that marriages can be challenged by the stress of infertility.  The wife may not understand the husband’s thinking or he may not know how to comfort her.  One spouse may want to explore different options than the other.  Both may be grieving at the same time.  And, let’s face it, grief is a universal response to loss, but how one grieves is unique to that person.
  3. It always seems to be assumed that it is the woman who is the cause of infertility.  Men can be infertile too.  I know plenty of couples where the men have been diagnosed with infertility due to medical problems, etc.
  4. The statement “You can’t give me kids” is offensive.  Marriage is not JUST about having kids.  Plenty of people get married and choose to not have children.  My husband knew going into our marriage that we would never have biological children.  We started off on this adventure of marriage together knowing full well that our pursuit for children may not have been successful.  Marriage is about love and commitment.

I know that the entire article may be false and completely without merit.  Their marriage may be fine and infertility may not even be an issue.  I really do not keep up with celebrity news as it is, but I could not help but feel bad for the wife.  The insensitivity of it really bothered me.  What if they are struggling with infertility?  What if she is insecure right now about their marriage?  It would be extremely painful to see one’s hardship splattered all over the papers for the rest of us to read about.

To be honest, I really thought long and hard about writing this post.  A part of me feels like I too am benefiting from what was said as it gave me a topic to write about.  However, the words I read on the front cover of the tabloid that day stayed with me for several days later.  I actually went back to the store and snapped off a quick picture with my phone as I knew there might end up being a post about it brewing inside my thoughts.

Maybe that part of me that still lingers back in the days of growing up infertile feels the need to speak out and be a voice for others.  I don’t know…I really never found my own voice about being barren throughout my adolescence and young adulthood, so now, it feels good to find my voice and to use it — sort of like a protective instinct over the matters of all things infertile.

The saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” is just wishful thinking (in my opinion).  Words hurt.  Words can be used as instruments of healing or instruments of hate.  Words can be magical and speak vibrancy into so many things, but words can also drain the color.  Words – whether true or not – can cut right into the heart of the pain someone is going through.  It saddens me when the pain of others is turned into profit.

What is your opinion about this? Did you see the headline?  I’m curious!!

He Chose Love

My husband and I are celebrating our anniversary this weekend, and I am so thankful for him. We have been married for eleven years. As an adolescent and young adult, I once believed that marriage is something I would never get to have due to my barrenness. I am very lucky to have found someone who has accepted everything about me; the good, the bad, and the infertility.

I do not know what it would be like to be married to someone who is infertile. My husband does though. He knew before we were married that if he decided to take this ride of life with me then he would never have biological children. He has assured me that it did not matter to him when we were first got engaged and it does not matter to him now.

He has had to learn by nature of experience and witness that infertility is not just about babies, or actually NOT having babies. It is an emotional and spiritual challenge as well. He has spent an equal amount of time assuring me that I am just as much female than I have spent doubting myself or comparing myself to others. He has also been silent about the topic when I needed him to be.

He never wanted to fix my situation. He and I know he could not do that anyway. Instead, he wanted to understand it and allow whatever was meant to happen in our lives to happen. My husband has seen my grief. He has heard my cries and watched as I have wiped away tears. Still yet, he never once made me feel as though he has regretted our marriage, or the fact that he would never have a biological child.

Instead, he has embraced my barrenness while holding on to me. Trust me; there has been a lot of baggage left over from the years of strife. Even now as adoptive parents, we know we face issues that our friends who have biological children do not deal with. Yet again, there he is just going along with the flow. He chose this.

I have typically thought that infertility, foster care, and adoption were written for MY life. However, my life experiences have helped shape my husband’s journey. God wrote this for his life just as much as He did for mine. I have often said that when I lay sickly in the hospital as a child God knew the plans He had for me. The whole truth though is that the Lord also knew the plans He had for my husband.

This story is not just mine. It is his as well. Fatherhood is special to him and I am thankful that adoption has given him the chance to be a daddy. My husband’s Heavenly Father has greatly enriched his life, filled in the gaps, and placed him exactly where he needs to be in order to be the best dad he can. He has also blessed my husband with a genuine sense of empathy and compassion for others.

My husband was a fantastic foster dad. He attended meetings when he could, went to court hearings, supported case workers, and loved on the children. He got up in the middle of the night to feed them when they were newborns. He changed diapers, prepared bottles, and played with them before tucking them in at night.

I know fostering was hard on him as it was on me, but I also believe that his desire to be a dad was strong enough to keep him going through all of the ups and downs that fostering brings. There were many times when he would tear up at the thought of losing the children – although, we both knew going into it that the goal was reunification. He approached it all with an open heart and mind.

My husband was so compassionate to my son’s birth mother. He embraced her. He engaged her in supportive conversations, and never once made her feel less than human. This, of course, is one the many things that I found to be so wonderful about him. My son’s birth mother told me one time that she was so glad he was an involved dad because she wanted her son to have a daddy who would do things with him.  It was just awesome to witness him ministering in his own way to her. It reminded me over and over how truly blessed I am, and how blessed our children are.

When my husband chose to ask for my hand in marriage, he knowingly walked into it with the realization that our lives would be different from most people that we know. He truly did not know if he would ever be a dad.  He chose love over infertility, and I am so grateful that he did.  I am also grateful for the Lord choosing my husband for me.