I’ve known for years that loss is often overlooked in adoption. I’ve seen it in my own family and the lives of others. This week, loss hit our home.
Legs shaking as I walked down the stairs to my child. “Hey, I need to talk to you about something,” I said.
My child looked up. “Uh-huh?”
“You’re not in trouble. I just need to tell you something. You know how your biological mother calls me from time-to-time?”
“Well, she left a message yesterday and I don’t want to wait any longer to tell you. Your biological father passed away this week.”
Silence. My child wouldn’t look up from the Ipad screen as I explained what I know and only what I know. It was my responsibility to tell my child the exact truth. Nothing more. Nothing less.
“Adoption is our life experience, but I’m not in competition with your biological family. I care about them. I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes; to have a biological parent that I don’t know. If you ever need to talk or ask questions or any of that, I need you to know that it’s okay.”
“Okay”, my child said.
The truth is I’m just saddened about all of it. To be the one to tell my child about the passing of a biological parent breaks my heart open. I’ve sat in the reality that adoption is both a blessing and a burden.
A blessing that gives every single day.
A burden that continually humbles me.
Loss is paramount in adoption. Anyone who says differently needs to do a serious heart-check about it. While we acknowledge what is believed to be a God-ordained weaving of our family, we also mourn that we will never be able to replace what should have been for them.
God doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want families like mine to have to care for children like ours. He never intended for families to be broken by trauma, abuse, and absolute hardship. This reality smacks me. It breaks me.
When I say that loss is often overlooked in adoption, I mean it. When I say that loss is weaved into every fiber of it, I mean it.
I know it. I live it.
While adoption should be celebrated, at the same time, it should also cause one to consider the deep meaning and reasoning behind it all. I will never replace what my children have missed. I will never be their biological parent and fill that hole in their lives. This agonizes me.
But, I can do what I know needs to be done. I can be honest. Tell the truth. Be open and genuine.
I can welcome questions and console tears.
Barrenness dropped into my life. The only way to become a parent was through adoption. But, friends, the full measure of that emotional responsibility pricks my heart nearly every day.
Yes, loss is often overlooked in adoption but the truth is that loss is weaved into every fiber of it.
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