November is National Adoption Month in the US. We set aside this month to focus on adoption stories as well as the plight of many children waiting for families. I’ve been an “official” adoptive parent now for a little over ten years. We’ve stretched out of our comfort zone, dealing with issues that we never thought we would face, and we’ve laughed…a lot. To say I’ve learned a lot is an understatement and there are several things I would tell my (pre) adoptive mother self.
Even on the hardest days – the ones where we have really struggled – my husband and I do not regret our decision to adopt our children. We would have missed so many precious moments.
Ones like this,
Or, this one…
Thinking back to my “(pre)adoptive mother self”, I totally wish I could say that I was 100% prepared for parenting – not just parenting in general, but adoptive parenting. I know that there are many similarities, but I also know there are many differences.
If could go back, here are a few things I would tell my (pre) adoptive mother self:
- When the gavel falls and adoption is declared, that is when the real work begins. Meaning, adoption can get much harder. Sure, there are difficulties getting to the place where you are on the eve of adoption, but oh boy, all of the trials we experienced during that time seem kind of trivial compared to some of the issues we now face on any given day.
- Don’t take it personally. There is a special kind of guilt that seems to tag along with adoptive parenting. It is hard to not take things personally when you witness your child struggling or when your child says things to you that take your breath away (I’m not talking about the sweet statements, although there have been some of those). When you work tirelessly advocating for and managing your child’s life to the point of not being able to capture just a glimpse of forward movement, it is hard to not take it personally. Just don’t. Or, at least, try not to.
- Listen. Like, REALLY listen to others who have walked in the shoes you are about to walk in. Learn what you can about trauma (in the womb and out). Be prepared to have a host of professionals in your life (doctors, specialists, teachers, therapists, etc). Definitely advocate and ask questions but also choose to listen and learn. It will serve you well.
- It is not going to feel good all of the time. The reality is that parenting (of any type) can break your heart from time-to-time. With adoptive parenting, the things that break your heart tend to be ones that you really do not fully comprehend and certainly cannot control. I’m talking about genetic issues that come into play as the years go on. I’m speaking of the damage done in the womb that is hard to explain to someone. I’m thinking of the challenges that you never faced growing up but now dwell in your home because your children face them. Nope. It does not feel good all of the time.
- No matter what, don’t give up and don’t you dare second-guess your importance in the life of your children. Don’t do it. Never do it. Your kids need you. They don’t need another set of parents to not come through. It will get rough. You will think, “Am I really being the best parent I can be? What if I didn’t answer that question the way my child needed me to? Maybe, I’m the problem? What if I tried a little harder?” These questions have circulated in my mind a lot through the years. They are made up of guilt mixed in with a sliver of grief. Just don’t go there.
Looking back to my “(pre)adoptive mother self”, I totally thought I was prepared for all of this. I thought I had a grasp of trauma-informed parenting, adoption issues, loss and grief, and a whole host of behavioral issues. I totally was not. I can’t even pretend that I was.
Yet, would I do it all again? Absolutely.
Can I imagine a life without my children? No way.
Without (foster parenting) and adoption, I could have missed this:
There are plenty of things I would tell my (pre) adoptive mother self, but perhaps the best thing is not missing any of these moments.
2 thoughts on “Things I Would Tell My (pre)Adoptive Mother Self”
Thank you for writing this blog post! I can’t begin to tell you how much reading this meant to my husband and I.
We just adopted our 2 boys out of the foster care system yesterday after having them for almost 2 years. While we are obviously so very excited and feel so blessed, we have also been experiencing all of the things you wrote about in this post. And unfortunately, the majority of our friends and family are having a hard time understanding exactly what is going on with our boys and how these adopted children of trauma can be different or have different needs than their biological children from their families. To say that adoption parenting is “isolating” is such an understatement to me now that my husband and I have been going through this wonderful journeytogether. But it was so refreshing and encouraging to read a letter that you wrote not only to your “pre-adoptive self” but also to ours.
Hi Amie! Thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment. I’m glad you found the post and it directly relates to what you are experiencing. We have been (adoptive) parenting for a little over 10 years now and still have family/friends who wonder what the heck is going on half of the time. Sometimes, we wonder the same thing! Ha! I’m still learning not to fight the small fights and to loosen my grip on the smallest issues that I once thought were big. It is a daily challenge (literally) but my husband and I have found that humor goes a LONG way – even when no one else is laughing. Reach out to me any time! I’d love to hear from you. Wishing your family many blessings. -Caroline