You shook me up a bit today, birth mother. Your call at the last half hour of the work day broke up the busyness of paperwork. The moment I heard your voice say my name, I knew it was you. It was good hearing from you. It is something that I do not mind at all.
I never know when you are going to call, but every time you do, I cannot help but be affected by it. Life has been a little hectic lately. In the madness of it all, I have found myself barely stopping to inhale, or even exhale. There have been moments in the past few months where I have felt overwhelmed by parenting; overwhelmed by the challenge of striving to raise kind, happy, faithful, and disciplined children.
There have been moments where my sole focus has been on what the child we share does not do, versus, what he does do. Yet, when I told you of his recent accomplishments, his strengths, his talents, and his quirks, you gasped, laughed with joy, and thanked me for giving him opportunities in life. That…birth mother…that shook me up a bit.
The space between our words was filled with just a bit of silence. That was okay, though. The gravity of why we are connected carries much weight. We are connected by a precious little soul. We are connected by love.
You shook me up a bit today, birth mother. Your words speared me right into the heart. While my heart has been worrying about his day-to-day life, your heart has been carrying emptiness to which I do not know. You told me about all of the pictures I have sent you through the years, and how they are dispersed throughout your living room, and how you surround yourself with pictures of him. In some sense, it sounded like you have a shrine devoted to the precious boy we share. This shook me up.
As our conversation ended, your words began to take a more sincere turn. You spoke of your eternal love for him. You spoke of your sadness that is carried around on a daily basis. You told me about how you felt you had to lose him. In some ways, you believed it was your choice; yet in other ways, it was a choice you had to make. You hope for a day that it will not hurt so bad; that the loss of him won’t feel as heavy as it does.
And then, you told me that you love me and my husband. I wanted so badly to say that I love you, too, but the words just would not come. That…birth mother…that shook me up a bit and caused my heart to wrench.
Your final words to me are ones that stuck to me as I hung up the phone and drove to get the child that has stirred both of our hearts.
“I love him more than words can ever tell.”
These words from you resonated deep down.
As I stared at the pink sunset declaring itself to me as I drove, the thought hit me that you were probably staring at the very same sunset. You were probably recalling our conversation, my every word, your every word, and details of the incredible child to which we share.
I teared up a bit. I tuned into a station on Pandora. As I stared into the sunset, thinking about you, and thinking about our child, I sang every word to the song that was playing:
“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see. ‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved; How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed.”
That…birth mother…that shook me up a bit.
As I tucked our son into bed tonight, I held on to him just a little bit longer. I told him that I loved him over and over again. I stared into his soft brown eyes, examined his face, and kissed him. I thought of you.
The truth is that I love your son…my son…our son…more than words can ever tell.
All of my children have come to me through the sacrifice of someone else; through the sacrifice of another Mamma who carried them into the world. The significance of this is something I do not ever want to take for granted.
You shook me up a bit today, birth mother, and I’m so glad you did.