What Every Healthcare Provider Needs to Know About Adoption

If you are a foster or adoptive parent, you have probably been both amused and frustrated at things some healthcare providers say and ask you during your child’s appointments.  For me, dealing with medical professionals has been quite the learning curve.

Here is an article I recently wrote for Adoption.com about this very subject.  It was a timely article as I had just experienced an uncomfortable (to say the least) appointment with my child!

Please click on the link to read it:  What Every Healthcare Provider Needs to Know

Hope you all are doing well and thank you for reading my blog!

Blessings,

Caroline

My Child, There Are Better Days to Come

My child had a rough morning.  I could see it all over my darling’s body; eyes a bit wilder than usual, hair somewhat disheveled, and arms flailing with impulsive movement.  It reached a game-changing moment during a redirection.  I looked up and saw that hand, the one that often grabs mine when walking together, fly up in the air and smack hard against my skin.  Sure, it was a slap on the arm but it hurt.  It left a red mark.  It was not a “toddler testing boundaries” kind of hit.  It was meant to hurt me and it was full of pent-up angst.

First, came the shock, followed by a brief moment of anger.  Just as soon as my anger began to swell, I melted into tears; sadness took over.  My child fell back into the seat and started to cry.  I sat there for a moment not knowing what to do.  We were loaded up in the van and on our way to school but the last thing I could focus on was getting there before the bell rang.

While trying to find the right words, I heard, “You are going to just give me away to another family.”  I could not believe my ears.  With the sting of my child’s hand still lingering on my arm, I said, “No, of course not”.

Soon, my child said, “I just get so mad.  I have anger issues.  I’m sorry.”  I tried to find the right words but it seems during moments like these, words can be elusive.  I offered the knowledge of “Even if someone has an issue with anger or whatever, it is still up to them to make better choices.  You have to choose to do the right thing and ask yourself, “Is this worth it?”.  I don’t know if that was good enough or if that is what my child needed to hear but it was all I could come up with at that moment.

There was a hug, followed by an apology, and a statement regarding the worry about other kids noticing my child’s tear-stained face.  “Just tell them you had a rough morning,” I said.  The van door slid open and I watched as a piece of my heart formed in the shape of a child slowly walk to the doors of the school, pause for a moment, and then look back to make sure I was still there before entering.  My kiddos know I always stay put until they enter the doors to their school.  On this morning, it was especially important for me to stay a while.

Ugh.  Of all the things that happened, the saddest and hardest part was hearing the words, “You are going to just give me away to another family.”  Where does this come from?  My child has been with us since infancy and despite filling the space between us with love, this child still seems to meander carelessly somewhere between the knowledge of being adopted and the full measure of being in our family.

Sure, there’s counseling, training, and all sorts of ways to intervene.  We’ve set up boundaries, applied consequences, talked openly about adoption and biological parents, followed through with providing moments to build self-esteem and show our love, but there is still a void that is hard to fill.  When the void gets too deep, the claws come out.

My child thinks deeply and has big emotions.  This child is sensitive, inquisitive and always wants to know more and more…even when there’s not a lot more to offer.  Moments like these are tough to swallow.  Knowing how to respond is even harder, and I tend to receive the blunt end of all that emotion welled up inside a youthful body.

Being an adoptive family is a wonderful thing but it is not perfect.  It is filled with a lot of loss.  We do our best to weave the tapestry of our family with as much good as we can but there are issues.  We’d be foolish to think that everything is okay all of the time.

This is a part of adoption that others don’t see.  This is the part of parenting children with invisible special needs that are often unseen by many.  This is hard.

Even with all of the intentional efforts put into raising a well-rounded and secure child as one can raise, we still have to navigate these valleys and they are deep, my friends.  We put on a smiling face that does a good job of covering up some of the battle wounds we’ve endured.  We pretend that everything is great but sometimes, it just isn’t.

Telling an adoptive family, “Oh, kids will just do that, sometimes” is useless.  We know that kids, regardless of their histories, will do things that can break one’s heart.  We are well aware of that but there is a difference, you know.  When your child is exhibiting things that seem to carry an invisible message, it is hard but it is not impossible to manage.

I guess that is where the fortitude to keep going comes from – the awareness of possibilities covered in a glaze of hope.  Hope is found in the possibilities; hope for change, hope for better responses, hope for a recovery and hope for healing.  If it weren’t for the belief in possibilities and the endurance of hope, nothing would be gained and so much would be lost.

There will be tremendously painful moments full of emotion throughout our life as an adoptive family.  Yet, in many ways, the complex splendor of life is often found in the midst of incredibly hard times filled with blood, sweat, and tears.

My child, the one with the big emotions wrapped up in a small frame,

I love you.  I have always loved you.  I will always love you.

Nothing you have done or ever will do would cause me to not love you.

I have never regretted adopting you.  I never will.  I am yours and you are mine.

I wish I could retell your story minus all the bad stuff, but I cannot.

It must be scary to feel like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.  Let Momma carry it for you.  If I could, I would swallow it up so that you never have to feel it again.

I will never be able to claim myself as your biological parent.  I know that breaks my heart and I suspect it breaks yours.

You are unique.  You have a gift to give this world, baby.  You’ll find it and when you do, hang on and hold tight.  I believe you could be a world-changer.  

You may feel broken at times but history shows us that the Lord uses broken people for mighty things.  That’s the incredible part of faith – knowing that our weakest moments can become part of our strongest testimony.

You have a place in our family.  You always will.  Don’t lose sight of that, my child.  Don’t lose sight.

My child, there are better days to come.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10

 

What Adoptive Parenting Has Taught Me About Persistence {Adoption.com article}

Hello, friends!

I was tasked with the assignment of writing an article regarding what adoptive parenting has taught me about persistence.  Parenting, in general, definitely teaches us a lot about persisting, but I’ve found that adoptive parenting and raising children who come from hard places brings its own set of unique challenges.

Here is the link to my article:  What Adoptive Parenting Has Taught Me About Persistence

I hope you take the time to read it!

Keep on keeping on, Friends!

Blessings,

Caroline

Making a Lifetime Commitment to Your Adopted Child {Adoption.com article}

Here’s a recent article I wrote for Adoption.com regarding the lifetime commitment of adoption.  You can read the article by clicking on this link:  Making a Lifetime Commitment to Your Adopted Child

It was a bit of a tough one to write because I know there are many complex circumstances with any adoption disruption. However, when writing it, I thought of the kids I once worked with whom had been legally adopted for years and then returned to state custody because their adoptive families did not want to handle the issues they were facing. Some of these situations were completely preventable and with resources, I suspect the families could have made it. Others were not and despite efforts, the safety of the child and other family members could not be assured.

This article is not meant to judge but to be food-for-thought and conversation starters regarding what it means to make a lifetime commitment to any child who is adopted into one’s family. Adopting a child is a lifetime commitment.

Blessings,

Caroline

 

 

Keep on Keeping On {a message for adoptive families}

Today was one of those days when I was reminded that adoption is a human experience that reaches the depths of emotions. I sat through an adoption staffing (interview with families in hopes of being selected for a child in need of adoption). I listened to the families pour their hearts and hopes out to the team members. There were tears, laughter, and a lot of emotions in between. As I finished my day, I watched a touching video of a family who adopted their little one that they have been fostering.

And, I cried.

I thought about our own foster care and adoption journey. I thought about the families who are interviewed time and again, yet never selected. I thought about the ones who are just taking their first steps to becoming adoptive parents, the ones whose hearts are just now being stirred about adoption, and the multitude of others who will soon join the ranks of waiting families.

Adoption is so much harder than it appears to be. I don’t think it is possible for anyone to understand this unless they have been through it. It forces oneself to be strong and courageous, while also being vulnerable. Foster and adoptive families are asked to give all of themselves to children with no guarantee that it will work out.

They have to prove to others that they are worthy of being parents – this is something that people who have had biological children will never understand. They are asked to be authentic and genuine, and by doing so, they are judged on their potential as adoptive parents. Their expectation and labor are not counted by hours or months. Often, they are counted by many years.

Beyond the glorious adoption announcements and videos are years of struggle, hope, angst, heartbreak, and resilience. These things are weaved into the fabric of adoptive families. These things reach into the deepest part of our souls, and remind us that in the end, it is all worth it. The children are always worth it.

Adoption is hard. It takes a ton of patience in the waiting. The ride up the hill is torturous, but my friend, the other side of this mountain is sheer beauty.

To anyone who is awaiting the time when adoption calls your name,

Buckle up,

Put on your boots,

Hold your head high,

and keep on keeping on.

Adoption is worth it

You Are Not Ready To Be a Foster Parent If…

In my job, I often speak to families who are curious about foster parenting.  Some of them come to the decision to foster as a way to fulfill what they believe to be a calling in their lives.  Others have adult children, are now empty-nesters, and continue to have the desire to parent.  There are also many who start the journey of foster parenting after years of infertility, and in hopes that fostering might eventually lead to adoption.  All of these reasons are significant.  They all carry a deep motivation to help meet the needs of at-risk children in our communities.  However, not everyone is right for foster parenting.

To be brutally honest, I cringe a bit when I hear people speak about their desire to be foster parents.  I hear them say, “We really want a baby that is ready to be adopted, and does not have any major issues…”  I just want to say, “Bless your heart”.  And, I mean it.  I really do.

However, there is a great distance between the desire to foster/adopt and the knowledge of what all it will take out of you to do so.  And, that’s okay.  The first step is to ask questions.  The second step is to listen.  I mean…really listen to what professionals, foster parents, and others in the field are saying.

Entering into the world of foster parenting is exciting, but definitely presents a huge learning curve.  Because of this, let’s take off our rose-colored glasses for a bit, and get real.

Presenting my list:  “You Are Not Ready To Be a Foster Parent If…” 

(Disclaimer:  I had some help from other foster/adoptive parents with this one…just want you to know that these opinions are not just my own; although, I agree with all of them.  Also, this list pertains to foster parenting in the United States.  Other countries/areas of the world may have different laws/expectations of foster families.)

  1. You are not ready to be a foster parent if you do not see the value of the required training.  Most agencies/governments require training in order to be approved as a foster parent.  If you believe that “I’ve raised children and it is common sense”, I would challenge you to consider that the training is not only required, it is important.  Of course, you understand basic child development because you have parented, but you need to understand that the children who are in foster care have experienced trauma, separation from family of origin, and lots of changes.  Parenting a foster child IS different than parenting a child you have raised from birth.  The training does not stop when your license is approved.  You will be asked to participate in on-going training.  Even after adoption, you may need to seek additional training, information, and resources. Trust me on this.  My husband and I have both attended various training in order to give us better insight into our kids, and our last adoption occurred in 2013.  Adoption really is a lifelong learning process.
  2. If you desire to find a child for your family instead of offering your family to a child, then you are not ready to be a foster parent.  Children who have been brought into the system because of abuse and neglect may not match your expectations of an “ideal” child.  Switch your thinking from finding the right child for your family to giving your family to a child, despite the history and issues the child is facing.  It may not feel perfect (because parenting never is), but foster children should never have to live up to the standards of your home that is hopefully free of abuse and neglect.
  3. You are not ready to be a foster parent if you believe that love fixes everything. Please don’t get me wrong.  Love does help, and I’m all about love, peace, and rainbows, but if love was enough to undo the trauma, then social workers would be spending less time finding new placements for foster children who have disrupted, and I dare say that abuse and neglect would not be an issue.  Pouring love into a child goes a long way, but fostering takes so much more.  Love is also not always about feeling good all of the time.  Love takes it all…the sweat, the tears, the hard work, and the dirt.   It takes tenacity, resourcefulness, humility, understanding, and humor.  If it didn’t, would it even be called love?
  4. If you have firmly picked a side in nature versus nurture debate, then you are not ready to be a foster parent.  Oh, this one.  I’ve been asked about a gazillion times where I stand on this debate.  In my twenties/early thirties and before parenting through adoption came around, I was headstrong about nurture.  However, as a parent, I know that nature and nurture are equally important.  I also know that children who have experienced trauma, have on-going developmental delays, or come from high-risk situations need extra nurturing, patience, and stability.  I cannot tell you the number of foster and adoptive parents who, after having children in their homes, shake their heads with a fervent “YES” that genetics and nature are incredibly important and absolutely impact a child’s development.  For example, one of my kids does this certain little thing with his mouth, and I recognize it immediately as resembling the same thing his birth mother does.  He has never lived a day of life with her, except in the womb.
  5. You are not ready to be a foster parent if you believe that children should not have a connection with their birth parents in some way.  Even if adoption has occurred, you must remember that your children have a history that does not include you.  I know that does not feel good, but that is the reality.  For my children, their primary histories only include being in the wombs of their biological mothers.  However, these histories are important, and so is the fact that they all have biological parents who love them, think about them and miss them.  Regardless of how you feel about your child’s biological parents, it is your responsibility to share with your children what you can about their biological families.
  6. If you cannot find it in your heart to forgive the birth parents for what they may have done to the children, then you are not ready to be a foster parent.  Forgiveness is one of those things that we love to soak up, but man, we have a hard time dishing it out.  When you think about the drug exposure, the lack of supervision or protection, the physical and sexual abuse, or the chronic neglect of children, the first thing that does not come to your mind is “Let’s just forgive them for what they have done.”  I know what you are thinking because I have thought the same thing!  More than once!  However, if we take a step back and remember that the biological parents were also children who had dreams for their futures or who may histories full of abuse, it is much easier to be empathetic to them.  I’m not saying to forget what has happened, but I am saying that you have to get past it, reconcile with it, and choose to reach out in support to the birth parents.
  7. You are not ready to be a foster parent if you do not have a support system. Fostering can take a lot out of you.  With natural childbirth, you have leave time, people bringing dinner over, others offering to clean your house and lots of support.  With fostering, you may not have any of these things.  I have spoken to so many foster parents who, in their first few months of fostering, were completely worn out.  They cannot go on date nights because they cannot just drop the kids off at a family member’s or friend’s house without prior approval.  They may not be approved for leave from work.  It can be quite overwhelming.  You need to build a support system that includes approved childcare and someone to just let you unload your frustrations on.  It is so important.
  8. If your only goal is adoption, and you are not willing to help parents get their kids back, then you are not ready to be a foster parent.  If this is the case, then there are a tremendous amount of children (necessarily, not babies) in need of adoption in the United States.  There is a federal law that mandates states to work towards reunification with biological families when children are brought into custody.  This is not just something that is taken into consideration or viewed as a recommendation.  It is expected to be upheld by the courts, caseworkers, and foster parents, and this can be a very difficult pill to swallow.  I’ve been there and done that.  I know how hard it can be, but it is not impossible.  Like a lot of things in life, we cannot control how other people respond to circumstances, but we can control how we respond.  I just know that if my children were in care, I would certainly want and need foster families who supported me and the goal to reunify with my children.  I suspect you probably feel the same way.
  9. You are not ready to be a foster parent if you are not willing to accept ambivalence and lack of gratitude from the children in your care.  Children who end up in foster care are generally not happy about it.  Why would they be?  Even with the tough situations they are in, they love their parents and want to be home.  Because of this, it is completely unrealistic to expect a child in your home to appreciate what you are doing for him or her.  The same goes with their feelings towards you.  Children and youth might be ambivalent about how they feel about you.  If you are a “feely” kind of person, it can hurt…a lot…to think that the child you are caring for may never (or, at least not for a long time) show you affection and concern.  My advice on this:  Don’t take it personally.
  10. If you lack patience with people and processes, then you are not ready to be a foster parent.  When asked what the average length of time a child is in care before potentially being available for adoption, I usually let people know that there is no average.  Each case and situation are different.  The US federal law dictates a length of time (typically between 15 to 22 months) that the birth parents can work towards reunifying with their children.  It is also important to remember that there is a ton of paperwork involved.  Most caseworkers and court officials are overloaded with cases.  Attorneys are also extremely busy.  All of these players and their workloads absolutely can affect how quickly or slowly things progress on the case.  Also, the biological parents deserve the time to rectify the situation that brought their children into care.  Again, if the tables were turned, I suspect we would all feel the same way.
  11. You are not ready to be a foster parent if you are not willing to remember that God loves the biological parents, whose children are in foster care, as much as He loves you.  Ouch, right?  It is super easy as a human being to administer our own versions of grace, or what we think God should feel about people who abuse/neglect children, or live a different lifestyle (whatever it is) than us.  Jesus entered into places where others did not want to go.  He offered care, compassion, and hope to the people who society disregarded.  He also gave instruction.  When we learn about the details of why a child enters foster care, it is hard not to get angry.  However, the passion of Christ was for us all…everyone.  Let us not forget that.

I hope this list informs and inspires you about foster parenting.  I certainly do not want it to dissuade anyone from foster parenting, or seeking information about it.  However, one must remember that when you choose to become a foster parent, you are choosing to jump into a world of many imperfections.  It is not a fair system.  Not for anyone.

Biological parents are faced with quite difficult circumstances.  They absolutely need our concern and compassion.  Foster families will also deal with frustrating situations beyond their control.

For the children and youth who fall into the system, life is anything but fair.  At the very least, they deserve foster families who are willing to commit to the goal of reunification or permanency through adoption (if this is what the court decides), who understand the need for children to have a connection to their biological families, and who realize that trauma can present many challenges both in the present and the future.

So, are you ready to be a foster parent?  Oh, friend.  I hope so.

 

this is a picture of adoption

Bailey Family 2015-28.jpg
Photo credit:  http://freedom-photography.com/

Here is a recent picture of my children.

This is a picture of three lives brought together through difficult circumstances.

This is a picture of children who found themselves caught up in some of the despair of the world.

But…

This is also a picture of hope, and of love.

This is a picture of the answered prayers of many.

This is a picture of life.

This is a picture of adoption.