Here we are in the last few days of November and the last week of National Adoption Month. This past month I have posted something each day that I hope has inspired people to take care of children through adoption and foster care. I’d like to share some insights I’ve learned as an adoptive parent. Here’s the first one:
Through the adoption of my children I have learned that my life was planned and designed with great purpose.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that growing up I never really understood or appreciated the concept of a life planned in advance; especially if the plan included the heart-wrenching grief of infertility. I did not comprehend how a loving God could or would allow infertility, even though barrenness is written about in Scripture. I certainly never envisioned myself as a mother. I just didn’t think it was “in the cards” for my life.
Seeking the Lord and the adoption of my children have both revealed to me that mothering was written into my life story. My children were planned for me, and I was planned for them. Despite the medical problem I had that resulted in being barren, I was still designed with the great purpose of motherhood by the God that created the Heavens and the Earth.
Some call it fate. Some may say I lucked into being able to adopt. I choose not to call it either of these things. I call it the grace of the Lord and His Divine Plan. I call it the presence of a living God whose works are ones of love. I call it the pouring out of His blessings. I call it a mission-filled and purposeful design.
Adoption really is my life’s song. My children are the instruments. Our experience together is the melody. The Lord is the composer, and, from time to time, you just might catch me dancing to it.
“For I know the plans for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
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This is the story of my dear friend Missy and her mom Marcia. She’s a special person and I’m so thankful she shared her story with me, and with all of you.
Missy, Marcia, and Missy’s sweet little girls
“We are often told that we look alike. Our eyes meet and we just smile knowing that we are the only ones in on our little secret”, explained Missy when telling her story about her experience as a child in the system. It was about twenty-four years ago that her life took a drastic, yet remarkable turn.
From the beginning of her life, one would not consider Missy to be lucky. Her biological mother was just eighteen-years-old when she gave birth to Missy, and already had a lot on her plate as she was mothering twins when Missy was born. Missy’s toddler and preschool years were spent with her mom having multiple boyfriends. She actually remembers her mom changing the pictures on the wall depending on what boyfriend was visiting. Things were rough, but got much worse when she was five-years-old. Her mother married a man who was not the kind of father she and her siblings needed in their lives.
Physical abuse was a part of her life as young girl. Missy remembers being beaten for trivial things such as losing the pen to the Yahtzee game. Sometimes, she and her siblings were beaten so severely that they had to miss days of school. Her siblings experienced sexual abuse, but Missy did not. She is incredibly thankful for this, but carried guilt as a child knowing that her siblings were exposed to this type of horrific abuse.
One of the worst memories Missy recalled was when her step-father tried to force her to drown her puppy for peeing on the floor. Missy always had a genuinely compassionate love for animals, so her step-father choosing this as a punishment for both her and the pup was incredibly cruel. Although young, Missy stood up to her step-dad, refused to drown her pup, and instead took a beating that lasted for hours.
As time went on, things got worse. She remembers her mom being beaten beyond recognition. Her mom would tell the children that she was going to take them and leave, but never did. Missy suspects she was scared and had such low self-esteem that she chose to stay.
After three years of living a nightmare with her step-dad, a knock on the door occurred and child protection services removed the children. Although in desperate need to be taken out of that environment, Missy was scared, clung onto her teddy bear, and sobbed over being taken away from her mommy. She and her siblings moved from home to home for various reasons, and she remembers the drive to each new home being very scary. They would arrive at a new place full of strangers and a trash bag full of their belongings.
Enter Marcia. Marcia was a former neighbor of Missy and happened to be at the Children’s Division office when she overheard the social worker talking about needing to find another home for the kids. When Marcia realized that the children being talked about were the three children she fed when they were hungry, she immediately stated she wanted to take them into her home.
Even though their home was filled with children, Missy remembers feeling loved as though she was the only child there. Marcia and her husband Jim welcomed her and her siblings with an incredible amount of love. Her birth mom was never able to reunify with her children. Missy feels as though she chose the lifestyle she was living with her step-dad over her and her siblings. Although never legally adopted, Missy chose to change her last name to Marcia’s and Jim’s last name when she was twelve-years-old. In their hearts, they were already adopted in love.
Being taken in and loved on made an incredible difference in the lives of Missy and her siblings. They were given safety and nurturing. They were given the opportunity for normalcy. The rest of their childhoods were ones free of abuse and neglect. Marcia and Jim are heroes and helped to changed the lives of children who desperately needed a place to call home and the love of a family.
The following is how Missy ended her story. I’ll let her words speak for them-self:
“I have not seen my bio mom since I was taken away. It would be easy to be mad and full of hatred for her. I chose a long time ago to let this all go. The pain and hate only brought me down. Matter of fact, if I ever see her I may thank her. My past has made me the person I am and brought my new parents and siblings into my life. “My mom” and I are very close and I know we were brought together for a reason. As she says “we are like peas and carrots”! I now have two beautiful girls myself and cannot imagine letting anyone hurt them. I realize not all foster children are as lucky as me. I was able to graduate from college, get married to a wonderful husband, get a great job, and have two beautiful babies. I guess I consider myself one of the lucky ones.”
Missy – I think those of us who consider you a friend are the lucky ones. Thank you for sharing your story of how one person can change the life of a child, and for your personal resilience to rise above. You, my dear, are an amazing woman.
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This is the story of my dear friend, Missy and her mom, Marcia. She’s a special person and I’m so thankful she shared her story with me, and with all of you. She considers herself “one of the lucky ones”.
Missy, Marcia, and Missy’s sweet little girls
“We are often told that we look alike. Our eyes meet and we just smile knowing that we are the only ones in on our little secret”, explained Missy when telling her story about her experience as a child in the system. It was about twenty-four years ago that her life took a drastic, yet remarkable turn.
From the beginning of her life, one would not consider Missy to be lucky. Her biological mother was just eighteen-years-old when she gave birth to Missy. Already having a lot on her plate as the mother of twins, parenthood was hard on her. Missy’s toddler and preschool years were spent with her mom having multiple boyfriends. She actually remembers her mom changing the pictures on the wall depending on what boyfriend was visiting. Things were rough, but got much worse when she was five-years-old. Her mother married a man who was not the kind of father she and her siblings needed in their lives.
Physical abuse was a part of her life as young girl. Missy remembers being beaten for trivial things such as losing the pen to the Yahtzee game. Sometimes, she and her siblings were beaten so severely that they had to miss days of school. Her siblings experienced sexual abuse, but Missy did not. She is incredibly thankful for this, but carried guilt as a child knowing that her siblings were exposed to this type of horrific abuse.
One of the worst memories Missy recalled was when her step-father tried to force her to drown her puppy for peeing on the floor. Missy always had a genuinely compassionate love for animals, so her step-father choosing this as a punishment for both her and the pup was incredibly cruel. Although young, Missy stood up to her step-dad, refused to drown her pup, and instead took a beating that lasted for hours.
As time went on, things got worse. Her mom, beaten beyond recognition, would tell the children that she was going to take them and leave, but never did. Missy suspects she was scared and had such low self-esteem that she chose to stay.
After three years of living a nightmare with her step-dad, a knock on the door occurred and child protection services removed the children. Although in desperate need to be taken out of that environment, Missy was scared, clung onto her teddy bear, and sobbed over being taken away from her mommy. She and her siblings moved from home to home for various reasons, and she remembers the drive to each new home being very scary. They would arrive at a new place full of strangers and a trash bag full of their belongings.
Enter Marcia. Marcia was a former neighbor of Missy and happened to be at the Children’s Division office when she overheard the social worker talking about needing to find another home for the kids. Realizing the children being talked about were the three children she fed when hungry, Marcia immediately stated she wanted to take them into her home.
Even though their home was filled with children, Missy remembers feeling loved as though she was the only child there. Marcia and her husband, Jim, welcomed her and her siblings with an incredible amount of love. Her birth mom was never able to reunify with her children. Missy feels as though she chose the lifestyle she was living with her step-dad over her and her siblings. Although never legally adopted, Missy chose to change her last name to Marcia’s and Jim’s last name when she was twelve-years-old. They were already adopted in love.
Being taken in and loved on made an incredible difference in the lives of Missy and her siblings. Safety and nurturing became their constant. Opportunity became their normalcy. The rest of their childhoods were ones free of abuse and neglect. Marcia and Jim are heroes whohelped to changed the lives of children; ones that desperately needed a place to call home and the love of a family.
I’ll let her words speak for them-self:
“I have not seen my bio mom since I was taken away. It would be easy to be mad and full of hatred for her. I chose a long time ago to let this all go. The pain and hate only brought me down. Matter of fact, if I ever see her I may thank her. My past has made me the person I am and brought my new parents and siblings into my life. “My mom” and I are very close and I know we were brought together for a reason. As she says “we are like peas and carrots”! I now have two beautiful girls myself and cannot imagine letting anyone hurt them. I realize not all foster children are as lucky as me. I was able to graduate from college, get married to a wonderful husband, get a great job, and have two beautiful babies. I guess I consider myself one of the lucky ones.”
Missy – I think those of us who consider you a friend are the lucky ones. Thank you for sharing your story of how one person can change the life of a child, and for your personal resilience to rise above. You, my dear, are an amazing woman.
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“Do you want to do something beautiful for God? There is a person who needs you. This is your chance.” -Mother Teresa
I find this quote from Mother Teresa to be simple, powerful, and truthful. I think that if you substitute the word child for the word person, it makes this quote even more awesome. I hope your day is one that shines beauty for the Lord’s sake!
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And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.
-Matthew 18:5
I love working for a child welfare agency that is not only Christian in name, but in acts and philosophy. The agency has been involved in the social welfare of children since 1886 and has evolved through the years as societal changes have occurred. Although our services have developed through the years to meet the needs of children and families, our priority and reason why we do the work has not changed. We know that we can serve the Lord by ministering to children who are hurting, youth who are struggling, and families who are broken. We also believe and have witnessed the great miracles that occur in the lives of children and families through the love and acceptance of Christ.
One aspect of my job is to speak to families who have expressed an interest in foster care and adoption. Like my husband and I, many families go into fostering with a desire to parent children and know that fostering is an avenue that could lead to adoption. There are others who see it as a way to give back to children or their society. Most of the Christian families I work with feel the Lord calling them to be foster parents and to adopt a child out of foster care.
Thinking about these families leads me straight to the Scripture noted above. Our Heavenly Father loves children. They are near and dear to His heart. One cannot also overlook the fact that He wants us to be like children when it comes to our walk with Him.
I really do enjoy witnessing the love of Christian families that is poured into children in need of foster and adoptive homes. To see and know that change is happening in children’s lives is what keeps most of us in the field of child welfare going. The Lord stirs the hearts of people so that they can minister to His children through fostering and adopting.
Welcoming children in the name of the Father is a blessing. Families who feel the Lord calling them out to become foster and adoptive parents are able to learn so much about their own personal journey with Christ. One such foster parent who was hoping to adopt the child she was fostering, said to me, “The Lord reminded me that they are all His children. We are just taking care of them.”
It is statements like the one above that confirm my personal belief that when people do what they are called to do, especially when it comes to caring for children, the Lord blesses them with His wisdom, His grace, and His power to withstand many trials. When the Lord whispers His plan and His calling into the lives of others, they are able to whisper His love into the lives of children. When one welcomes children, they welcome Him.
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One part of my job with the agency I work for is to recruit foster families. I show a brief documentary about a foster/adoptive family to prospective families as part of this effort. The images and story of the family gives a brief yet insightful glimpse into the life of a typical foster home. It also does a great job of promoting and showing the struggles and work, yet joy that is found in being a foster family.
My favorite part is an interview with a 16-year-old boy who was residing in the home as a foster placement I’m not entirely sure of his whole story, but I get the feeling that he had been passed around a lot and moved from placement to placement. In his interview, the teen describes moving into the family’s home and how much he liked it. He then moved on to giving advice to families who want to foster and adopt out of the system. His words “Let Them Love You” are ones that are hard to forget.
At first, I thought he meant for children to let the foster families love them, but then I realized that he meant foster and adoptive families need to let the children love them. Sometimes, it seems foster families give in too quick when a child does not attach right away, or is not the right fit for their home. The matching of families and children is so difficult when placement is needed immediately. I also understand the complex and sometimes severe issues that cause disruptions in and out of homes. However, I just can’t get his words out of my mind.
I have heard many people say “I could never be a foster parent because I would get too attached.” I know the pain of being attached to a child, yet having to step one foot at a time into the unknown. I get it. Despite the hardship of it all, the children need attachment. They need for families to love them to the point of not wanting to let them go, but they also need families who will recognize that reunifying with birth family is extremely important.
There are over 1000,000 children and youth available for adoption in the United States Foster Care System. Many are children with medical, emotional, and behavioral challenges. Many are part of large sibling groups. Many have meandered through the system without ever setting roots anywhere. Many are like the teenager who spoke on the video I described above. Too many are not anywhere long enough to be allowed to love anyone.
I think the best thing those of us working within child welfare could do to make it better is to listen to the kids who are living life in a system made up of judges, case workers, lawyers, and temporary parents. They have so much to offer us if we just took the time to listen. We need to hear to their words and take heed to their insights. We need to give them the opportunity express their hearts and feelings just like the teenager on the video.
We need to let them love.
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My girl, Happy 4th Birthday to You! I didn’t know about you the day you were born. I wasn’t there to welcome you into the world, and to see you take your first breath of Earthly air. I didn’t greet your sweet face with a gasp of joy. My arms were not the first ones to hold you. I didn’t hear your first cry or witness the doctor say how precious you were. I didn’t feed you your first bottle, change your first diaper, or pick out your first garment. I didn’t lock you safely in your car seat and drive you home to your first crib. Our home was not your first one, but our family is yours forever.
1st birthday!
Your first year was so special. I celebrated your first taste of real food, your first embraces, your first steps, your first words, and, of course, your first birthday. I cared for your first boo-boos and scared away your first fears. I bought several pink outfits for the first time. There were many firsts that you only had with me. No, I wasn’t there for your first breath of Earthly air, but I was there for your first year.
2nd birthday!
Your second year came so quickly. I listened as your vocabulary took off and saw how your shy spirit took a backseat to your ever-emerging confident self. I noticed that your first friend was your brother. You were not quite two when our adoption was finalized. I penned your new name for the first time! I took you on your first “girl’s day” shopping spree, and tucked you into your first big girl bed. No, I wasn’t there for your first breath of Earthly air, but I was there for your second year.
3rd birthday!
Year three seemed to fly by so fast. You learned to dress yourself, and I laughed at some of your first outfits you pulled together. I took you to your first dentist appointment and applauded at how well you brushed your teeth. You and I squealed with excitement at your first tube ride behind papa’s boat. I noticed how quickly you learned to spell your name for the first time. I was amazed at how easily you seemed to pick up on your first numbers and other preschool lessons. I took you to your first dance recital, and wiped tears away while watching you twirl on the stage. No, I wasn’t there for your first breath of Earthly air, but I was there for your third year.
Here we are at the start of another year of life together. How many firsts will we discover this year? I may not have been there to watch you take your first breath of Earthly air, but I am here now. We are here now. I love you so much daughter, and thank the Lord for gracing us with the blessings of you and your four years of firsts.
4th birthday!
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The other day my son said something to me that stopped me in my tracks. He was mad at me for getting on to him about needing to clean his room when he said, “You’re not my real mom.” Whoa…I felt that gut-wrenching, knife in the heart, floor dropping out from under me twinge of pain. After he said it, I sat down next to him and looked at him. He had that look of confusion mixed in with a little sadness and anger.
I asked him, “Sweetie, what do you mean?” Nothing…nothing but staring off at the TV screen. “Honey, please help me understand what you mean. Do you mean that I’m not your real mom because I didn’t give birth to you like your birth mother did?” Silence. Then finally, he looked at me and said, “You are not my real mom because you tell me what to do and you always get me in trouble.” I have to admit that I was a little more relieved with his explanation, but still bothered. I told him that he gets in trouble when he disobeys, and my job as his mom is to tell him what to do sometimes. I also told him that we are his real parents and that we love him more than anything. He looked at me and said, “Okay, but you’re still not my real mom.” My mind was racing with how to handle this. I grabbed the basket of laundry and used it as an excuse to escape off to our room to silently and quickly allow myself to exhale, gather my thoughts, and hold back the tears that were wanting to escape.
I returned to the living room and noticed that he went on with his after-school routine of building Legos, drawing, and eating a snack. From time to time though, he looked at me and studied my face. I kept it all together. I acted as if nothing was wrong and that his words had not bothered me. We went on with the rest of the afternoon like usual. Later on in the evening, my son was quite clingy. He wanted me to hold him, lay by him on the couch, snuggle, etc. I took him up on the offer, and wondered if his words were still on his mind as well.
When I told my husband what was said, he responded “Caroline, you have to expect this. If he knows it bothers you, then he will use it in the future when he is mad about something. He was probably just testing you out to see how you would respond.” My husband was right. I do expect both of my children to refer to their birth parents as their “real” parents at some time during their lives. I expect them to have a lot of questions about their birth family histories, how they ended up in our home, and anything else that has to do with adoption. I guess I just didn’t expect it so soon, and I certainly didn’t expect it to hurt so much.
I don’t even know where my son got the term “real mom”, or why he would say this. I know he was mad at me, but he had never said anything like that to me before. Perhaps someone said something to him at school. Maybe he overheard someone else talking about this. Or perhaps, he is just starting to really process and learn how to navigate his own world of adoption. Maybe he has a fantasy version of his birth mother, and in that fantasy she would never “get on to him”, put him in time-out, or make him clean his room. I don’t know, but it reminded me that adoption is extremely complex and there are layers within it. One certainly needs to have “thick-skin”!
One thing though that has been laid on my heart since all of this took place is that my husband and I need to be mindful of the adoption language we use around the home and in the community. We need to be there to answer any and ALL questions our children have even if it makes us uncomfortable. We need to not perceive questions about birth parents as a threat to who were are and the relationship we have with our children.
And, we need to keep in mind that we are their real parents. We are a real family. We get on to each other. We discipline the kids when they are being disobedient. We lose our tempers at times. We get frustrated at times. We are not perfect. But, if we were perfect, didn’t lose our tempers, didn’t get frustrated, didn’t discipline, and didn’t get on to each other, then we would not be realat all.
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Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still Miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute, You did not grow under my heart, But in it.
-Fleur Conkling Heyliger
This is another well-known poem about adoption. I did not carry my children in my body. I carried them in my prayers, hopes, dreams, tears, imagination, and heart.
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In love He destined us for adoption to Himself – Ephesians 1:5
It was inevitable that Kenny and Allison would end up being adoptive parents. Both were adopted as little ones, and it just seemed that adoption was the path their lives would take. After struggling with infertility (they did eventually give birth to a baby girl), they decided together that they would pursue becoming foster/adoptive parents. They believed strongly that they had much love to give to a child in need.
They decided to adopt out of the foster care system after researching the financial aspects of adoption. In most cases, there are no legal fees attached to the adoption of children out of the system in the United States. Some of their concerns about adopting out of foster care were not knowing all the information regarding a child’s background and medical history. Also, the child’s history of abuse and neglect should always be taken into consideration when exploring foster care adoption. Their daughter, Sheridan, was only 3-years-old at the time and was very excited about becoming a big sister. Kenny and Allison had to keep her in mind when considering children in the system who were in need of adoption.
They were licensed in 2005 and matched with Julian in April of 2006. He was 18-months-old at the time of placement into their home. They had considered other children, but decided not to pursue them. This, according to Allison, was one of the hardest parts of the process. She found herself thinking, “Who was I to decide which children to pursue or not due to their family history?”
Julian, now 8-years-old, is described as being a “rough and tumble” Momma’s boy. He is happy, loving, and very inquisitive about how things work in the world. His background leans to him being impulsive and having some challenging behaviors. Allison is a special education teacher and admits that it is hard to parent a child with special needs.
They have learned though that advocating for Julian’s needs is a priority and not to compare him to their daughter. Sheridan is a gifted, respectful, and well-mannered young lady. Others may expect Julian to be just like his sister, but Kenny and Allison recognize that their children had very different starts to life. With that being said, their children have many similarities and are brother and sister through and through.
Their family joke is that their daughter Sheridan is the only living being in the house who is not adopted. They even adopted their dog! It is evident that the Lord ordained adoption for the lives of Kenny and Allison from the very beginning as babies who were adopted to their journey as parents now. They too are passing along the blessed legacy of adoption to their children and have played a vital role in giving one little boy a family and love that will last a lifetime.
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BARREN TO BLESSED 