a little bit of hope, joy, love, grace, life and all things in between infertility
The Gift of Life
I didn’t give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn’t give you
The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.— Unknown
This is probably one of the most well-known poems about adoption. It is simplistic,yet, speaks great truth in just a few words. Have a wonderful day!
It happened again today. Three young children brought into protective services. Sadly, they may not have been the only ones brought in this week. Honestly, I don’t believe they were. It is far more prevalent than most would think. Abuse, neglect, failure to protect, lack of supervision, unsanitary living conditions….the list goes on….
As I was preparing a room for training, I couldn’t help but notice the sounds coming from the offices near where I was. Case workers were like bees buzzing around the children. “Are you hungry?” “Do you want a toy?” These questions are nearly just about all you can ask three young ones whose lives just got turned upside down.
As I walked around, I heard case workers on the phone with this question, “Hello, I’m ……from…… We just got 3 children into care today and are wondering if you would consider taking them as a placement?” When children come into protective services, case workers start frantically calling the “list”. They move through the list looking for a family who will take kids on a moment’s notice. There is no planning, no pre-placement visits like adoption, and no real way to predict when a home is needed.
The other sights and sounds I heard are ones that are a little harder to swallow, even though I’ve been in this field for a while. The little one was whimpering, crying, and throwing fits. The next little one was playing with the same toy that sang the A, B, C’s over and over again. The older one, well, she did not seem to say much at all. Children are resilient and it is hard to know just what they are thinking, but behind their resiliency must be some wonderment about who we were and how they ended up in an office with strangers asking them questions and offering them snacks.
I could not help but think about the job those of us in child welfare have. I wonder if we would be overwhelmed by it if we just stopped long enough to really think about what our work entails. That same resiliency that is in children is also what gets most case workers through their jobs. Yet, behind that layer of resiliency are people who just want to make differences in the lives of children.
Every time a child is in the office where I work, most everyone stops whatever he or she is working on and offers help. Some “man” the phones looking for a foster home placement, others take turns playing with the children, some dig through the supply closet looking for clothing, diapers, blankets (the children rarely come with anything but the clothes on their backs), others start processing the paperwork, and the nurse checks the kids over with great gentleness and kindness. Not to sound cliché, but it does take a village at work to help when kids into care.
It happened again today. Three young lives wrought up by abuse and neglect. A team of people working together to provide what they could for children in need. A foster home that finally said “yes”. And, my heart and mind wishing that none of this was needed.
Want to help, but don’t know how or have the time? Please consider praying for case workers who are on the front lines of the war against child abuse and neglect. Prayer changes things!
This blog has been mostly devoted to my own personal journey from the valley of unknowns and barrenness to the glorious mountain top that is adoption. I know that my story is not the only one out there. There are many families whose stories include answering the call to care for children in need. This is one of them.
In 1999, when Tamra was just 23 years of age and finishing college, her heart was deeply touched by the foster children who attended her daycare. She was moved so much that she decided to become a licensed foster care provider through the state. Tamra asked to be put on the so-called openings list for placements. This list is how workers know that families are available to take children into their homes. A few days had passed before any calls were made to her. That all changed though on July 24, 1999.
Imagine, if you will, running into your home to change clothes after a wedding so that you can head out for the reception, picking up the ringing phone, and being asked “Would you be available to take in a two month old baby boy?” That is exactly what happened. Tamra excitedly got off the phone, grabbed her friend, and made their way to the hospital – so much for going to the wedding reception!
This 8 week old baby boy had been intentionally thrown out and onto some lawn furniture and needed to be checked for injuries. As Tamra was waiting to meet him, her mind was racing with thoughts of “What have I done? I don’t know how to take care of a baby!” She also wondered if the nursing staff thought of her as being too young to be a foster parent. Tamra was not prepared, but felt the calling to say “yes”. She did not have a crib, car seat, or anything really for a newborn, so after they left the hospital, they made their way to Wal-Mart to pick up all of the necessities for taking care of babies. Foster families very rarely get a lot of time to prepare for placements, so they must think and act quickly.
It was very natural for her to fall in love with the little prince that came to live with her on that fateful night in both of their lives. Tamra’s fiance, Shane (now her husband), also fell in love with him. Their extended family worried that they would get their hearts broken, but they were also supportive and realistic about the primary goal of the foster care system in working towards reunification with birth parents and their children. Although adoption was not their first intention, Tamra and Shane were very happy when it appeared that adoption would be the goal for him.
Things were moving along and then…new case worker….new ideas…a relative stepped in. This little boy had been placed with her since age of 2 months, had been visiting his birth parents the entire duration of the case, and now was potentially going to be moving in to a relative’s home. After 2 weeks of nail-biting anxiety, a decision was made to keep their boy where he was.
After 4 years and one month of loving and fostering him, their dream of becoming his forever parents came true. Their adoption was finalized by the courts. Their son is an amazing child, is in a gifted program and in advanced math classes. They are very proud of him!
Despite the long haul through the system with their son, Tamra and Shane decided to pursue another placement of a foster child. They really hoped for a girl and were blessed by the placement of a 12 week old baby girl. This precious girl only weighed 9 pounds and the 3-6 month clothing Tamra picked out for her swallowed her up!
Tamra and Shane fell in love with this little girl immediately; yet, they were realistic about foster care as they had just experienced a long journey with their son. At their very first team meeting, they were asked if they would consider adoption of her! They were so surprised and felt incredibly blessed! Their adoption was finalized in 2004.
Their daughter has had some challenges. She is autistic and has a seizure disorder, but she is an amazing joy in their lives. They feel so blessed to call her their daughter. Life would not be the same without her “sassyness” and her personality. She has made great strides and they have great hope for her continued progress and well-being.
Tamra and Shane want those who are considering foster care and adoption to know that you have to give the children your all. Foster parents have the opportunities to help set the foundations for these children that can last a life-time. It is a risk and you can get hurt, but the impact you can make on the lives of children is worth it. Perseverance, consistency, stability, advocacy, and trusting your knowledge about the kids you are caring for are attributes that Tamra and Shane feel are necessary when fostering children.
They believe that the Lord had His hand in forming their family through foster care and adoption. Tamra and Shane do not regret a single thing and feel extremely blessed to call their children their own. Their greatest joy is raising the children, witnessing their triumphs, and experiencing life that is free from abuse and neglect.
In Tamra’s words “Adoption is a beautiful thing!”
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. – Romans 8:28
November is National Adoption Month here in the U.S. Local, state, and federal government offices, organizations and churches devote their efforts during the month of November to focus on the awareness, education, and advocacy for adoption. While the emphasis of this month tends to be more focused on foster care adoption, ALL forms of adoption are recognized as being equally important in the lives of so many families and children.
My desire this month is to write a post each day regarding adoption. I am hoping to share some personal stories of non-bloggers who have adopted or are adoptees. My goal is to share links to websites, post quotes about adoption, and share Scripture verses that relay the tenderness that our Heavenly Father has for children.
For starters though, please click on this link National Adoption Month 2012. This is the US government’s website regarding child welfare and adoption. It has some very good information and links to various websites. Thanks for reading and here’s to hoping that the month of November will stir the hearts of many to consider adoption. Children deserve permanency in their lives. After working in child welfare for so long, I have learned that once families open their hearts and homes to a children, they have opened up a new world of fresh beginnings, safety, stability, and that crucial feeling of belonging to a family.
Blessings!
Gosh, this was a hard post to write. I stopped, stared at the image of my cousin above, typed a little, and deleted a lot before finally deciding on how to write about her. My cousin has been gone now for quite some time. This week marks the 16th anniversary of her death. It was an extremely painful experience to lose a best friend and someone who I essentially grew up with.
Most of my friends and co-workers do not even know. It is not that I have forgotten about her…I just cannot “go there” very often. I am extremely blessed with amazing friends, but there will always be that space that only Kelly filled. The vast majority of my early life memories involve her. Cousins really do become children’s first friends.
She was only 23-years-old; yet, had many sorrows and troubles. Addictions and sadness plagued her, even though, there was a tremendous amount of sweetness, tenderness, and love buried underneath all of the dirt of life. She battled addictions for several years and though she wanted to live a full, healthy life, I think that the struggles she had were just too great for her. So much life has happened since hers ended, but she is never really too far from my thoughts.
My last words to her, while she was conscious, were “baby steps, Kelly, baby steps.” I was trying to get her to slow down with her eagerness to get out of the hospital. I knew she needed to just put one foot in front of the other and that starting a new, healthier life would be much more difficult than she probably imagined. “Baby steps”….I regretted those words. If I had known those words were my last to her, I would not have chosen them.
Moments before her death, I ran to the chapel at the hospital and pleaded with the Lord. I was not an active Christian at the time and had a lot of confusion, but I still believed in a Heavenly Father who heard our cries.
“Lord, please God, I will do anything. Please let Kelly live. Please God….she needs a miracle.”
These words stumbled off of my clumsy lips that were quivering and drenched with tears. My broken and trembling body laid over the back of the pew. My hands were clasped together and I was reaching out to the cross before me. I was alone in the chapel begging….it was just me and God. It was me bargaining for Him to deliver a miracle to my near lifeless best friend.
Soon after, this I heard my name and turned around. In the doorway, my aunt stood there shaking her head with tears rolling down her cheeks.
“She’s gone”
….silence.
….numbness.
I got up and nearly ran right into a lady wearing a white jumpsuit. I remember her brown hair for some reason, but I do not remember her face and did not know she was even in the room. She said to me, “I heard you pray and wanted to let you know that your cousin is going to be okay. It is all-Saints day.” She hugged me and I walked out of the chapel. I was not Catholic (still am not), so I really did not know what she meant, but something about my encounter with her felt good.
Several months after my cousin’s death, I prayed that God would allow me to see Kelly one more time so that I would know she was okay. My prayer was answered in a dream. We were driving around in a car listening to music just like old times when she was breathing Earthly air. No words were spoken, but I could “hear” her say “I’m okay Caroline. I’m okay.” There she sat glowing in all white with that beautiful smile on her face. There was great peace in the car and I remember not wanting the ride to come to an end. I woke up and even though it pained me to realize she was gone, I just knew that she was at peace and with the Lord. I have not dreamed of her since then, but that is okay.
I believe the Lord did grant her the miracle I so pleaded for on that fateful day. You see, Kelly had been rendered unconscious just a week or two prior to her death. She miraculously came to, asked for forgiveness, recommitted her faith in the Lord, told her family and friends that she loved them, laughed, hugged, and then passed away. That was her miracle.
I too was touched by a miracle on the day Kelly died. My aunt who ran into the chapel to let me know Kelly passed away does not remember the lady in the white jumpsuit. She told me there was no one else in the chapel with me when she came in. In other words, I believe my miracle on that day was an encounter with an angel telling me that my sweet cousin was going to be okay even though she would be leaving the Earth.
Kelly never had the opportunity to become a mom, graduate from college, start a career, own a personal computer, use a smart phone, or travel to some far off exotic place. She did not get to stand next to me at my wedding, attend my adoption hearings, and watch how my story of infertility unfolded. I know she would have been so in love with my babies and would have cherished them as much as I do. I believe a part of her will always be with me during all of the moments I share with my children.
I look forward with great anticipation and joy at the reunion I will have with her in Heaven. I look forward to breathing in the same celestial air that she is breathing and to shine with her in the glory of the Lord. But, for now, I will continue to hold her in that quiet space that belongs only to her. I will continue to think of her every time I see tulips and daisies. And, I will continue to rejoice in the miracles that occurred during that week when Kelly danced her way into Heaven.
Love You, Kelly
It had been a long day for my husband after waking up at the crack of dawn and driving several hours to see a child on his caseload who is in a residential type of setting. My husband came into the kitchen after getting home and I could tell by his expression that something was amiss. He was sad and the look on his face told me that his heart was heavy.
“I went to see “Billy” (not the actual name of child) today. I took him a bag of clothing. You should have seen the look on his face. It was just a bag of clothes and they really weren’t that great. He was so happy to get it.” My husband was trying to cover his emotion while telling me this story. I told my husband that it sounded like he was happy to get them and it was a good thing to do. My husband then went on to say, “I know, but “Billy” doesn’t have a family. He doesn’t have a home to live in. He doesn’t have anyone, but he was thrilled to get a bag of clothing. He has nobody.”
Sadly, this story is true. My husband is a case manager working with abused and neglected children that have been brought into the foster care system. “Billy” is one of those kids who disrupted out of his potential adoptive home due to behavioral issues and is now living in a residential setting. This child has lost his birth family due to abuse and his sibling is getting adopted by his foster family soon. “Billy” truly does not have anyone except for my husband. Despite continuing efforts to help him control his behaviors and to find a permanent home for him, it is quite possible that he will grow up in the foster care system.
My husband hit a wall that day after work. I have seen it time and time again with case managers. I too have hit that wall. The wall I am referring to is the moment when the harsh reality of the work at hand slaps one in the face. It is easy for all of us working in the field of child welfare to get caught up in the paperwork (trust me there is a TON of it) and the tasks at hand. It is challenging when one feels torn between what the federal and state laws require and the gut feeling about what truly may be best for a child. The job requires one to work with people who are broken or, at least, have broken hearts. I do not know of a single person involved in child welfare who has not been changed by his or her experience.
The stories of kids like “Billy” are ones that often go unheard or unknown except for those working closely with them. In my experience, these children are usually quite grateful for clothing and other basic necessities. I have seen Christmas wish lists from foster children that have a few toys, but mostly have items such as jeans, socks, coats, and hygiene products. They actually have to be encouraged to ask for things other than the basic needs.
For my husband that day, the act of taking a bag of clothing to a foster child as part of his duty became so much more. It served as a reminder that there is much work to do in serving children. It served as a reminder that there are too many children like “Billy” living in our country who literally have no one to call mom and dad.
It also served as a reminder that many of us have been blessed with the gift of stability, protection, love, and a family. My hope is that this post stirs something in your heart. My hope is that you will look up organizations in your community that work with foster children and explore how you can get involved. You never know how the simple of act of taking a bag of clothes to a child in the system could make an impression on that child’s heart.
I asked God, “How much time do I have before I die?”
He replied, “Enough to make a difference.”
— Unknown
Call me strange, but I enjoy browsing through quotes on various topics of interest. I love it when a quote catches my eye and causes that silent but golden “aha” moment. The quote above is one of them. I have often wondered “Am I really making a difference in this world?” “Do my actions, whether part of my job or not, really help to create something new and hopeful for someone else?”
Through my years working in social services, I have heard many social workers say the same thing when questioning if their footprints (I’m not talking carbon footprints) on this Earth are making positive differences in the lives of others. Social work is incredibly draining. It is both a blessing and a burden. Those of us in the child welfare field go to work knowing full well that our “job demand” really does exist because families are in crisis, children are being hurt, and lives are in chaos.
I have heard that once child welfare (whether as a foster parent, juvenile officer, or case manager) “gets in your blood”, it is hard to get it out. I believe that. I suspect that even those who have left the field continue to think about the children they worked with who may now be young adults trying to make it in the world. Often, I think about the children I have worked with over the years. I wonder how they are. I wonder if they ever got what they were looking for…although so many did not even know what that was. Did I really make a difference in their lives?
I like the quote above because it reminds me that each day is a new opportunity to make a difference in the world. It reminds me of the absolute responsibility and beauty of life itself. The joy of living is also tied into the duty of sharing that joy with others. The grace of waking up each day feeling safe and loved is a gift that deserves to be shared with others and is just enough to make a difference.
I just wanted to say a quick thank you to Andrew for writing a post about me, my adoption story, and my blog. You can check it out here.
While you are at it, take a stroll around his blog!
Standing in line at the grocery store, I glanced over at the latest tabloid newspapers. As usual, they were spreading gossip about celebrities and others. I try not to put much effort into noticing these magazines. I see them not benefiting our society at all.
This time however, my eye caught one the latest headlines and I was somewhat stunned by what it said. A celebrity couple was splattered all over the covers with statements about how they are heading for a multi-million dollar divorce. According to the reports, the couple is divorcing because he “snapped” and stated “You can’t give me kids!”
When I read this, I thought “Oh no…no…no…no…they just didn’t go there!” Sure these magazines and tabloid papers stoop to pretty low levels and truly do not care whose lives they ruin by their false statements, invasion of privacy, and exaggerated facts, but this one really got to me. How disgustingly low of them to print something like this. Here are a few reasons I find this to be just simply awful:
I know that the entire article may be false and completely without merit. Their marriage may be fine and infertility may not even be an issue. I really do not keep up with celebrity news as it is, but I could not help but feel bad for the wife. The insensitivity of it really bothered me. What if they are struggling with infertility? What if she is insecure right now about their marriage? It would be extremely painful to see one’s hardship splattered all over the papers for the rest of us to read about.
To be honest, I really thought long and hard about writing this post. A part of me feels like I too am benefiting from what was said as it gave me a topic to write about. However, the words I read on the front cover of the tabloid that day stayed with me for several days later. I actually went back to the store and snapped off a quick picture with my phone as I knew there might end up being a post about it brewing inside my thoughts.
Maybe that part of me that still lingers back in the days of growing up infertile feels the need to speak out and be a voice for others. I don’t know…I really never found my own voice about being barren throughout my adolescence and young adulthood, so now, it feels good to find my voice and to use it — sort of like a protective instinct over the matters of all things infertile.
The saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” is just wishful thinking (in my opinion). Words hurt. Words can be used as instruments of healing or instruments of hate. Words can be magical and speak vibrancy into so many things, but words can also drain the color. Words – whether true or not – can cut right into the heart of the pain someone is going through. It saddens me when the pain of others is turned into profit.
What is your opinion about this? Did you see the headline? I’m curious!!
“Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring, quite often the hard way.”
-Pamela Dugdale
My husband and I are learning the hard way that nothing causes more trouble in the home than when the kiddos are mad at each other.
The words I say to them are “You are brother and sister for life, so work it out.”
Let’s just see how that works for us…..
BARREN TO BLESSED 