I’m here again, birth mother. I’m here on the eve of celebrating the anniversary of our son’s adoption day, and I’m thinking of you. It happens every year, you know. We mark the seventh of May with joy and celebration at the gift that he is to us. It is the day that the courts declared him to be forever ours. Still yet, my mind travels to thoughts of you.
Six years ago, on the eighth of May (the day after our big court date), I sat in his room, watched him play with toys a bit, and then pulled a blue t-shirt over his head to wear. As his blonde curls popped up out of the neck of the shirt, his big brown eyes caught mine, and then it hit me.
I sat there for a moment, captivated by his precious face, and suddenly, felt the tears as they began to well up in my eyes. Something about that moment….getting him dressed as my “official” son…on a new day…with a new start…being able to exhale for the first time in almost two years…with a new legal description of who I was to him…moved me greatly.
I snapped a quick picture of him. I wanted to capture that moment in time. I did not want to forget it. I was a blubbering mess in the middle of his bedroom. We had shared nearly two years of a life without permanency, and in that moment of our eyes meeting, I knew full well that he was not going anywhere.
It was not just the beginning of our new life together that caused me to pause, it was also the ending of the journey that you and I shared.
I’m here again, birth mother. I’m thinking about the first time I met you, the meetings, court hearings, visits, laughter, tears, and restless nights. Your words remain on my mind. Your laugh, your concern for my family, and the friendship we formed in love because of our son are held in a place in my heart that will never belong to anyone else, but will be shared with our son as he grows.
Your kindness was an incredible and unique experience that is sometimes not expected in the world of foster care. People may wonder why I feel the way I feel for you. They may even question how I could form a friendship with someone who found herself in the position that you did. Instead of understanding your “lot in life”, they judge.
My judgment fell away the moment we met. I looked at you, heard what you had to say, and realized that you were not my enemy. You were never meant to be. We just found ourselves wrapped up in the legal drama that is foster care. Instead, we formed a friendship based on very difficult circumstances. It grew out of the love for our little boy – yours, and mine. Your love for him was never questioned in my heart – not then, not now, and not ever.
How can I love him and not love that part of him that belongs to you? How can I not think of you when he learns new things, calls me Momma, succeeds at his talents, gets sick, and moves along in his journey to adulthood?
I want you to know that on our joyous day six years ago there were many loving people in the court room. Each one played a small part in forming our family. Some prayed for us. Some cheered us on. Some loved on him with genuine and unmistakable adoration. Some pushed paperwork, and some allowed me to cry on their shoulders.
Even still, no one in the cramped court room mattered more in the whole scheme of things than you. Although you were absent from the court room, I carried you in my heart that day.
You chose life. You carried him. You labored bringing into the world. You called him by his name before anyone else. You left the hospital alone. You were gracious to the strangers (us) who took him in. You hung in there, and visited him.
You said your good-byes, and you let go.
I’m here again, birth mother. I’m returning to that incredible day six years ago when God proved His faithfulness, removed the mountain-sized weight off of my shoulders, and blessed me with adoption of the son we share.
Do you want to know something, birth mother? On the day after, I thought the hard part was over. I thought that being his foster-mother, not knowing how permanency for him would unfold, and wondering if I would be his forever momma, was the hardest part.
However, I’m learning that raising him is the hardest part. It is not because of him. He is a challenging, at times, but he is remarkable, beautiful, smart, witty, creative, ornery, and loving. He is an incredible son, and I’m one of the most lucky momma’s on Earth. Being his momma is an important responsibility and privilege in my life.
It is just that the world sometimes does not look upon children like it should. Raising him to love, respect others, enjoy the simple things, remain loyal to his family, and not be swayed by the winds of ego-driven goals, is a struggle for most parents these days. I’m no different.
I do not ever want to dishonor you by not giving my all to him. I want him to experience a life of opportunities, one full of friendships, and dreams that soar.
I want him to live life to the fullest, while also, learning how to be a responsible soul that passes on goodness to this world. I know you want that, too.
I’m here again, birth mother.
I’m thinking back at what seems like a lifetime ago.
I’m sifting through memories. I’m looking through pictures, and I’m experiencing the emotions felt when the gavel fell, and the Judge declared our adoption as final.
I’m thanking the Lord. I’m praising His mighty Hand. I’m marveling in His penmanship in our lives, and I’m relishing in His powerful ways.
I’m here again, birth mother, and, I’m thinking of you. I’m thanking you.
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