This weekend marked the eighth anniversary of the adoption of our oldest son and Mother’s Day. Despite the joy this weekend had, you (Birth Mother) were on my mind. He’s getting so big and growing into a young man; still yet, in my heart, and I know in yours, he will always be a blonde curly-haired and brown-eyed little boy.
The reality is that he has stopped calling me “Mommy”, and I don’t know when this happened. One day, he was tugging my pants saying, “Hold you, Mommy” and the next, it became just simply, “Mom”.
It grieves me a bit to think about how fast time is flying by, how we are all so far removed in years from when he was little, and how soon…too soon…he will be grown and spreading his wings to fly into the world. Still yet, through all of the mountains and valleys of raising a boy in this world, you are never far from my thoughts.
The painful truth that hits me square in the heart is that he has never called you “Mommy”.
I don’t know why I feel compelled to write to you every anniversary of our adoption. I suppose it is the least I could do. The fact that our adoption occurred right around Mother’s Day is something I rejoice in, but also feel sadness about. My first official Mother’s Day was just days out from our adoption in 2008. In many ways, I feel that the timing is God’s wink at me. In other ways, the timing is so incredibly complex and full of grief. People may not understand why, or wonder how I could think of you so often, especially on this day, but that is okay. This is our journey – his, mine, and yours.
Honestly, if I think too much about it all, my emotions get the best of me. On the one hand, my heart leaps with love at the thought of being his mother. On the other, it sways in sadness that you are not. If you did not choose life, if an intervention had not happened, and if difficult decisions were not made, then I would not be here, typing this out, and listening to him laughing at a video in his bedroom.
This, Birth Mother, is the place where sadness and joy sit next to each other; one touching the other, one never too far from the other.
I want you to know that he is a wonderful little human. He is kind, athletic, artistic, and enjoys all sorts of people and places. He does not seem to know a stranger and has no expectations of the types of friends he makes. I love that about him. He holds no judgment about other people. He doesn’t care what skin color a person has, or what interests a person has, he just meets people where they are at. This is a lesson for us all and makes my heart swell with pride.
He is eager to enjoy time with others, loves to goof off, and is a loyal person. He is a good big brother, loves animals, and is always thinking of grand ideas that are (sometimes) okay to explore.
Birth Mother, you were so incredibly kind to us even though we had your son. You could have chosen not to be. You could have decided that we were your enemy and that I was anything but his Mother. Instead, you referred to me as his “Mamma”.
Thank you…from the deepest and most vulnerable part of my soul, thank you.
I suppose you will always be in my thoughts, and in my heart on every adoption anniversary and Mother’s Day. He may not call me “Mommy” anymore, but know that…
In my heart, we are both his “Mommy”.