Pssst..hey, Momma-in-Waiting. Yes, you. Christmas is all around us, isn’t it? You overhear your co-workers talk about the sweet surprises for their kiddos. You are forced to look at picture after picture of your friend’s little one’s first Santa visit. It’s not that you don’t think the images are cute or that you don’t want to see them. It’s just that it hurts…really hurts.
Christmas morning in most houses is filled with chaos, giggling children, and mounds of bows and wrapping paper. Weary parents get up at the crack of dawn to watch their children excitedly rip open that special gift from Santa. Christmas morning at your home is a little different, though. You get up whenever you desire and exchange presents with your spouse or anyone else staying the night. It’s quiet and calm and in that stillness, your heart plunges to a depth a lot of people just don’t understand. Your mind races with the same questions you’ve cried out for way too long…
Why is this happening? When will it end? What is wrong with me? What if I never become a mother? What if every Christmas is this quiet?
Pssst..hey, Momma-in-Waiting. My own house is now filled with chaos at Christmas. I hear my giggling children and clean up mounds of bows and paper. I watch as the kids rush to the tree to see what Santa brought. I wish I could tell you that it’s not that big of a deal and you’re not missing much, but that would be a lie. You know it and so do I.
It’s a little ironic, isn’t it? We celebrate the birth of Jesus at Christmas; yet, you are wailing, wanting, and desperate to celebrate your own miracle; your own gift to the world. You are waiting to celebrate the birth of your baby. I don’t really know what to say except I was once where you are and I know that it is miserable. I knew I could never birth a child but I did not know if I would ever be a parent. It is so incredibly hard. It’s one of the worst pains any human can experience on Earth. I believe that. I really do.
From Hannah and on, barrenness is noteworthy. If it wasn’t, then I suspect it would not even be mentioned in Scripture. People tell you, “God has a plan for you.” They say, “If it’s God’s will, then it will happen.” Do you want to know something? I loathed those words. I could not stand them. I despised every single time they were said to me (and they were said more times than I can count).
Only now, after adoption and actually being a Momma-no-longer-in-Waiting, can I say that I “get it”. I understand that the Lord did have a plan and adoption was His will for my life. Yet, this knowledge does not erase the pain that I felt nor does it wipe my memory clean of my existence when I was a Momma-in-Waiting.
Pssst..hey, Momma-in-Waiting. Yes, you. Christmas is hard but so is just about every day when your steps are padded in confusion. If there is one gift I can give to you this Christmas, it is this – your feelings are valid, your frustration is justifiable and your grief is not lost on those of us who have been there or who are there right now.
At this Christmas and every single day after, I want you to know that even though it feels like it, God has not forsaken you. He never will. Even though you do not feel His presence, He is there. He is near you when test after test shows a negative, or when your doctor tells you news that you just don’t want to hear. God is with you when you are lonely, tired and weeping the most sorrowful, thick tears ever imaginable.
Perhaps, Momma-in-Waiting, this is the best gift I can give you; the hope of the Lord.
Be strong. Be fierce. Be courageous. Don’t let anyone stifle your feelings or your voice. Keep talking about infertility. Keep asking questions and all of those other laborious things you need to do when you are meeting with doctors. Don’t let others tell you how to navigate this journey for it is your own.
Pssst..hey, Momma-in-Waiting. Yes, you. At Christmas, we celebrate the birth of a child who changed the world. Today, Momma-in-Waiting, I’m thinking of you and I believe that the very baby born so long ago is thinking of you as well.
For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. – Isaiah 41:13