These past few weeks have been somewhat of a blur for me. I went on a min-vacation with some friends, our school year has ended, and our summer schedule has begun. In many ways, I’ve felt a little “blah” about most things.
Recognizing these feelings has caused me to do some introspection about my life. I’ve thought about ending this blog, disengaging from social media, and giving up on personal goals. I’ve wondered where God is, and why in the world do I feel like He has not been listening to me, or perhaps, why I have not been listening to Him. Oh, my. We are vulnerable, aren’t we?
At a staff chapel this past week (yes, we have chapel at my job!), the Pastor spoke about having a vision for our lives, and immediately, this caused my heart to stir. He reminded us of the importance of hanging on to our visions, praying over them, giving them to God, and realizing that the Enemy wants to destroy our vision. He also talked about spiritual warfare when it comes to our feelings of giving up what we feel God has laid on our hearts to complete in life.
Every time the Enemy is mentioned, I immediately go back to what I felt growing up knowing I would not have biological children, wondering about motherhood, and tasting the bitterness of confusion and despair. It seems like a lifetime ago, but in reality, these feelings and thoughts were an ever-present part of most of my life. I never believed I would ever tell anyone my inner thoughts about life, especially barrenness. I’m not one to over-spiritualize everything, but man, I’m so glad that I happened to be in the office the day this Pastor came to share and encourage us. It was one of those moments when you feel like the message was meant just for you.
I needed the reminder that we are engaged in a war. This war is not a physical one. It is a spiritual one. There is an ever-present need for continual prayer for our children, our spouses (if married), our communities, our nations, our neighbors who are considered the outcasts of society,and for ourselves.
Over the past few weeks, I have not felt the need to write, and in some ways, lost the desire. I’ve wondered if I’m done speaking my history of barrenness to the world, and if it is time to close this chapter of my life. However, the reality is that in the end it does not matter the size of an audience, nor the popularity, likes, followers, and shares that we have. What matters is that we wrap our lives with authenticity, humility, and the tenacity to focus with the full measure of what it is to be a believer. I’ve also been reminded that my children deserve for me to be faithful and fully present.
The Enemy tried with great effort to make me feel as though the Lord had forgotten about me, and that He was no longer listening to my prayers. However, my heart continually submerges into the ocean of Grace, and I know that I am not a forsaken or jilted child.
And, neither are you.
Friends, if you have lost sight of your personal dreams, feel as if the Lord has forsaken you, have hit a wall with your creative pursuits, or if you are wallowing in despair, hang on to the Weaver of dreams.
Don’t give up.
Don’t lose heart.
Your story does matter. Don’t stop telling it. Don’t believe for one second that your life is not a testimony. Share your dreams, your wonderful creativity, your eye for fantastic images, and your brilliance with words. Don’t lose sight of your vision.
What’s God going to say to my questions? I’m braced for the worst.
I’ll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon.
I’ll wait to see what God says,
how he’ll answer my complaint.
And then God answered: “Write this.
Write what you see.
Write it out in big block letters
so that it can be read on the run.
This vision-message is a witness
pointing to what’s coming.
It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!
And it doesn’t lie.
If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It’s on its way. It will come right on time.”