Visions of Pregnancy

Before the adoption of my children filled my home and my heart, and before the Lord’s revelation in my life, I used to wonder what I would look like if I were pregnant. Here is another excerpt from my memoir in a chapter where I talk about the deep longing that existed when walking around with the feeling of emptiness. I cannot believe I am admitting this, but…deep breath…here it is:

I secretly envied my pregnant friends. I wanted what they had. The joy, excitement, and love they shared with their spouses throughout their pregnancies were clearly obvious and I was jealous of it. It felt really childish for me to think “why can’t I be like that?” Or, “why does she get to have more children when I cannot even have one?” It was almost shameful for me to think that way, or at least I felt ashamed of having those thoughts about them. I love my friends and I love their children and I know it is wrong for us to covet what others have, but I honestly did.

Just once I wanted to know what it would feel like to carry a baby in my body, or hold a baby and believe that he or she was mine. Every so often, I dreamed about being pregnant. I do not know what made me feel worse – the dream itself or waking up. Often, I stuck a ball under my shirt, stood in front of the mirror, and just stared at myself. I surveyed the shape from every angle. This was the closest I would ever come to seeing my “pregnant” belly. I always thought I would have made a cute mom-to-be.

It is a mistake to assume that women who cannot have biological children never wonder what their pregnancies would feel like. Most of us, although sympathetic to those going through it, would give anything to know what morning sickness was like, or to have the moment when a slight kick is felt from the inside. We would give nearly anything to have an ultrasound done that reveals the life growing inside of us.

Most of us have dreamed about pregnancy. Most of us have had visions of ourselves pregnant. Many of us still do.

I never, ever told anyone close to me that I used to stand in front of the mirror daydreaming of being pregnant. It was embarrassing and I felt as though I should not have even considered it. But, why not? Why not wonder what it would feel like to be pregnant? This is not wrong, silly, or senseless. It makes perfect sense to me.

If your path to pregnancy is jagged right now and you find yourself hiding away in front of a mirror staring at your belly, it is okay. Do not be embarrassed. Do not feel as though you should not be doing this. Give yourself a break and daydream all you need to. I get it, and my guess is that nearly every one else who is struggling with infertility or barrenness gets it to.

May His vision of you fill your life with love, peace, and understanding.

Six Years of Happy

Happy Birthday Bubby. I love you so much more than I will ever find the words to express. I am incredibly grateful to the Lord for choosing us as your parents. I know I have said that over and over, but I suspect I will not stop saying it until my life on Earth has ended. Just thinking about the person you are growing into, all of your strengths and sweet quirks, makes my heart leap with joy.

The night before you came to us, I prayed that the Lord would provide us with the opportunity to parent a baby. We woke up that morning not knowing that by the end of the day, our lives would be forever changed. He answered my prayer immediately. We quickly rushed out the door to head to the hospital after getting a call from the local child protective services saying “can you be there in 30 minutes?” Your first year was full of hope, tears, joy, fears, and the overall feeling of being a part of something bigger than ourselves. We were caught between loving you desperately and the commitment we made to help your birth mother get you back. We were sworn to protecting you; yet, we had to rely on others in your life to make the decisions on what was best. We were broken down and humbled by the plight of your birth mother while glowing in the enchantment of who you were and by the Lord’s gifting of you.

1st Christmas — I was so happy to have him for his first Christmas.

Your second year held the mixed up feelings of grieving for your birth mother and her loss of you while experiencing pure joy at your adoption. Before your adoption, we did not know how long we would hold you. We said “love you forever” as often as we could. On that fateful day in May, we were given the blessing of you being ours forever. So much was revealed to us during this time of life. Your curly hair, sweet smile, and boundless energy kept us amused. People were drawn to you. Your charm and talkative nature took flight.

1 yr — The outfit he was adopted in. We “tried it on” just a few days before his adoption to make sure it fit. Of course, he looked perfect in it!

Year three…well…let’s just say that year three was a wee bit challenging. Your God-given strong-willed determination was your shining accomplishment! You started to see more of the world with curiosity and fierce independence. Music also became something you were quite fond of. You welcomed a baby sister! You announced it. You told us that you would be getting a baby sister before we even knew. I can only imagine how your little mind must have been spinning when your baby sister arrived on our doorstep. You took it in stride. You noticed your friends’ mommies had babies in their bellies; and yet, you never questioned why your sister was delivered to our door by a nice lady with brown hair. You just seemed to understand that your mommy does not grow babies in her belly.

age3 — Age 3 with sissy
He was so excited to have a baby sister!

Year four was the year of music, Legos, and all things super-hero. You often dressed up, grabbed whatever sword you could find, hop on your big wheel, and ride through the house in an attempt to beat the bad guys. Sometimes you even sang songs about being a super-hero. One of the sweetest things you said to me was “Mommy, you are my super-hero.” When at home, you seemed to always have a drum stick and your dulcimer in hand. Your songs were also about rock stars, Jesus, Christmas, God, and of course, mommy. You performed just about every night for us. You would jump out of the closet, proclaim yourself as a rock star, spin around, then sing and strum away. My favorite song went like this:

I’m a little rock star…for Jesus…for Christmas…for God…and my family.

Here he comes! (I promise he has some form of clothing on)

Year five seemed to slip away so fast. You took your first airplane ride, went to a strange new place called Disney World, rode rides that overwhelmed your senses, and shook with excitement when meeting Buzz Light Year! Painting became a hobby for you and we discovered your natural ability as a gymnast. You graduated from preschool, got glasses, spent extra time with your Papa fishing on the lake, and started Kindergarten. You started referring to yourself as a “school-ager”.

Sometimes, I just sit back and watch the videos of you throughout the years. My eyes well up with tears at just how special you are and also at how swiftly time has gone by. I wish I could back and push a button to slow down time. I wish I would have kissed you just a bit more before night-night, or let you sing me one more silly song, or picked you up one more time when you said “holdu holdu“. You are starting to show your growth in the way you get just ever-so-slightly embarrassed if I try to kiss you around other kids. But, at the same time, you still reach for my hand and put your head on my lap when it is just the two of us.

God has blessed us so much by choosing us as your parents. You continue to amaze us, challenge us, stretch us, refine us, and love on us daily. You, my son, are a precious wonder. Happy, happy, happy birthday my sweet one…love you forever…