Just be Still

“Just be still, Caroline.  Just be still.”

These words have echoed in my mind and heart through the past several weeks. Okay, maybe for the past few months.  I’m someone who has always seems to have a plan, goal, and mission in mind.  My to-do list does not seem to have an expiration date, and even time off is filled with a handful of items to check off of it.

In other words, I am used to being busy – physically, emotionally, and even, spiritually.

Several months ago, I went to work out at the crack of dawn (literally), came home, got ready for work, got the kiddos ready for school, and then had a bit of a coughing spell.  I felt a “pop” in my lower back.  I even said to my husband, “I think I pulled a muscle.

Even with pain, I still went about keeping up with my daily regimen.  I also continued to train for an annual 150-mile cycling event that I have completed for the past few years.  However, that nagging pain I kept feeling wouldn’t leave me.  That voice that gently encouraged me to “just be still” didn’t go away.  With the coaxing of my husband, I went to the doctor.  Turns out I bulged a disk in my back out (from a coughing spell, no less!).

I had no choice.  I had to be still.

“Be still?!?” I thought.  That is NOT for me.  I’m not a “still” person.  “I’ve got things to do!  I’ve got a household that needs maintained, a job that needs fulfilled, children to navigate through the day, and a cycling event coming up!”

As I sat in my home, heating pad on my lower back, waiting for the doctor to let me know if I would need surgery or not, and wondering when the back pain would go away, I kept staring at the very things that needed to be done around the house.

I began to think about the past several years, and have they seem to have flown by.  I’ve been really busy, you know.  With working, raising three children, tending to my home, keeping up with this blog, cycling, and starting a handful of other writing projects, it seems as though I was never still.

I even thought,

“I was not born into this world to be still.”

I did get that call from the doctor, a follow-up visit, and the most positive outcome from having a back injury (no surgery needed) that I wanted to hear.  This was the best case scenario.  However, through the course of it all, the words, “Just be Still” kept echoing through my spirit.

The time following my injury I was forced to be still.  No lifting, no riding my bike, no carrying children around, and staying off my feet as much as possible.  I thought I was going to be miserable, but instead, I found peace and renewal in being still.

Instead of looking around at the things in my home that needed to be done, I watched my children play in the living room.  I observed my husband’s care of them, and my daughter’s concern for my health.  It seems that being still is exactly what I needed.

After I recovered, I got back into my normal routine which includes driving my son to and from gymnastics training.  Typically, on the way home from a long day, I am usually flying to get back to the house to start the nightly rituals of getting the kids in bed.  On that night, though, I slowed down, enjoyed the car ride with my son, and caught a glimpse of God’s artistry in the night sky.  We noticed it together, and pulled over to take a picture.Night Sky

“Just be still, Caroline.  Just be still.”

Friends,

That nagging pain you are feeling….

That whisper of “just be still” that you can’t seem to shake….

That rest you have been mandated to do….

Perhaps, these things are drawing you closer to your Father than you think.

Perhaps, being still is exactly what you need.

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

-Psalm 46:10

 

Adoption Is…

“Are my birth parents dead?” This question came from one of my children this past week. I paused for just a bit, and then said, “Your birth mother is alive, but your birth father died.”

Silence….then no other questions for several days until tonight.

In the car, I hear the question, “Are my birth parents really dead?” “Your birth father died”, I replied. “Was he there when I was born?” “No. He died before you were born.”

Silence…”Well, how did you know?” I told my child that a social worker informed me about it.

“So, I was alone when I was born?”  “No honey. No…you were not alone. Your birth mother was there.”

Silence…

“Oh…you know…I think my birth father’s favorite color was grey. He told me when I was with him.”

Silence again…

I looked in the rear view mirror of my car and saw my child yearning to keep the tears in. I said, “It is okay to be sad about it, and cry.”

“I think I miss him. I’m sad because my birth father died.”

Here is the often misunderstood thing about adoption – it is not always full of joy. Is it a joyful time when adoption finally comes knocking on one’s door?  Yes, of course, but the real stuff, the nitty-gritty pieces of life of an adoptive family, can be very hard.

Loss is a huge part of adoption. Adoptive parents hold the stories of their children’s lives, and piece by piece, moment by moment, and question by question, the stories are told.

Honestly, I struggle with the truth about my children’s histories. I so wish I could say all of their stories and journeys to our lives were filled with wonderful and incredible things, but that would not be the truth.

So, piece by piece, moment by moment, and question by question, I narrate their little lives honestly and truthfully. The truth is painful, sometimes. My heart just feels wounded by the things that led their lives to mine.

Adoption is hard,
and beautiful,
and mysterious,
and delightful,
and heartbreaking,
and joyful,
and woeful,
and challenging,
and complex,
and simply incredible.

If you are an adoptive parent, know this, adoption is not always going to feel good. You will go through valleys of unknowns…scary and sad places.

If you are an adoptive parent, know this, adoption has a way of softening your heart, and tendering it to the realization that you are the story-teller, narrator, and keeper of the sorrowful and wonderful details of your child’s life.

After all, adoption is hard,
and beautiful,
and mysterious,
and delightful,
and heartbreaking,
and joyful,
and woeful,
and challenging,
and complex,
and simply incredible.

Savior, King of Kings

I’m longing to hear You, Lord, although others may not see.
I walk the walk, and talk the talk, while thinking about Thee.

Deep down inside I think of You, and talk to You each day.
But sometimes, Father, I do not think my heart knows what to say.

This world has become desperate, Lord, crying out for peace.
Still yet, we spit, and spin, and hurt each other, while yearning for release.

Sometimes I wonder if we’re blind, or do not choose to see.
The only path that You walked on was love for all humanity.

Anger, hatred, violence, and fear are trying to seep in.
This beautiful, yet confused world seems to have thick skin.

But, deep inside our tender wounds is a sadness craving to be freed. The truth that settles my heart, Lord, is that You are all we need.

We’re longing to feel You, Lord, despite these mixed up days.
Stop the World! Come back soon! These are the words we raise.

For You, Jesus, are the only One we need to seek.
Hear our cry, Your precious children, the barren, blessed, and weak.

We do not fear the ugliness of turmoil, stains, and stings,
For we believe and hold onto our Savior, King of Kings.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”   -John 16:33Jesus is Love

Comparison

As I was standing in front of the mirror this morning examining what I call my “Road Maps of Experience”, aka wrinkles, this quote from Theodore Roosevelt came to my mind:

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

Thinking back from the past few months of the end of 2013 to the end of 2014, I realized that I have been walking rather slowly through that awful valley of comparison. 2014 had some wonderful and joyful moments, but in a lot of ways it was filled with some “what if’s”, “why’s”, and “I wish”.

As I finished scouring over my face, threw on some make-up, and got ready for the work day, I found myself feeling determined and excited about this new year of 2015.

Do I know what is in store? No.

Am I guaranteed that everything is going to be just fine? No.

At the end of 2015, will I be able to say it was a “good year”?

I don’t know.

However, I have decided that I’m done with the valley of comparison. I’ve traversed it, and honestly, it is not a pretty place to be.

Instead, I want to walk along the mountain top ridges of cherishing the unique person I am, the life I live, and the dynamic qualities (both challenging and amazing) that make up my family’s life.

Have you been visiting that self-defeating place of comparison?

If so, let’s all look to 2015 with excitement, hope, and faith to explore the landscape to which the Lord has set your feet upon!

Adoption.Com Interview

Not too long ago I was contacted by a writer for the website Adoption.com.  The website is a large hub for all things related to adoption.  The writer was interested in interviewing me about my life story and adoption.

I was surprised that she contacted me, but also excited about the opportunity to share my story.  You can find the article by clicking here.  If you get a chance, check out their website.  It is filled with lots of good information about adoption.

Have a wonderful day!

Happy New Year, Friends

GoalsToday at lunchtime, my family and I sat around the table chowing down on our black-eyed peas, chips with cheese dip, shrimp cocktail, and “little smokies”.  Our conversation evolved to one regarding our goals for 2015.

“I want to try something new,” I said.  “What, Mommy?”, my children exclaimed.  “I think we should write down our own goals and then some family goals for this year.  We’ll seal them in an envelope and open them up one year from today to see if we accomplished them.”

They were super excited to do this.  Well, at least our older children were.  Our two-year old seemed to be too busy playing with the food on his plate!  We went around the table and spoke about our personal goals, and this is what I was reminded of.

If you give your children the silence and time to speak about their goals and hopes, you can learn so much about them.

My son and daughter both set goals that, if achieved, will benefit them both in a personal way, in a way that benefits our family, and definitely in a way that affects the greater good.  My husband and I told them our goals as well.  Then, as a family, we talked about goals for the new year.  My children exclaimed,

“I want to fill the Blessing Jar up to the very top! “

“I think we should clean up trash in the streets to help keep our environment around us clean.”

“We need to help each other more.”

“We should use calm voices more often with each other.”

As I wrote the goals down, a flow of those endearing little nudges of goodness showered me.  It seems, despite my many unending flaws as a parent, our children are precious little souls who yearn for opportunities to do good.

After lunch, we departed in our various tasks of the day.  Our daughter went to play with a friend at her house down the street.  Our two-year-old ran circles in the living room.  My husband started helping out with the daily chores involved with taking care of a family of five, and my oldest son went to his bedroom to look through a stack of books he wanted to donate.

I locked myself in our bedroom and started going through our closet.  As I pulled things out to organize and donate (if desired), a funny thing started to happen.  I realized that I get frustrated at the amount of “stuff” my children want to keep, and yet, there I was sitting in the middle of my bedroom stuffing trash bags full of gently used clothing, unused jewelry, and items I once swore that I needed.

Five trash bags of clothing, toys my children decided to rid themselves of, and other items, started to take up the space of my bedroom.  And then, my soul was stirred about the many things I carry in my heart that the Lord wants me to rid myself of.

I know there is more space in my life to donate to intentional parenting with my children.  I know that this vessel of life can do so much more.  At the same time, I also know the things that pull me away from the Lord’s wisdom.  I need to stick away these things in a trash bag, and let go of them.

With my children’s words of our family goals today fresh in my mind, here are my thoughts as I enter into 2015:

“God,I want to fill others…other jars of clay…with words that bless them.”

“Lord, I know there is a lot of trash in my life and in the streets of my thoughts that I need to clean up to keep this incredible environment of life clean.” 

“Father, help me to help each other more.”

“Savior, I pray Your voice will calm the waves of contempt in my life, and in turn, will create moments that I can be used bring peace to others.”

Here’s to 2015!  This is a wonderful time to be living on this side of Heaven.  My hope for this upcoming year is that we will all be drawn closer to Origin of Love.  

Now, that is a New Year’s Resolution we can all attain.

Happy New Year, Friends.

 

On the Eve of Christmas Eve

Sitting here on the Eve of Christmas Eve with laundry swishing around in the washer, one child sound asleep in her bed, the other engrossed in a game while resting, and the littlest calling out “Mommy” because he doesn’t want to sleep, all I keep thinking about is their birth-mothers.  Odd, I know.  I should be wrapping last-minute gifts, and getting everything “lined up” for Christmas morning, but my mind just keeps stirring about them.

On this Eve of Christmas Eve, I wonder if they are wondering about their children…their babies…to whom I am mothering.  There is a small measure of adoptive parent guilt.  It may sound strange, but unless you are raising a child to whom you did not give birth to, you may not understand it.

I did not really earn the gift of children. Who really earns the right to raise children to whom they did not birth?  

On this Eve of Christmas Eve, my mind ponders about the many mothers who are raising children to whom they did not give birth to.  Sure, there are numerous celebrities who are adoptive parents.  Yes, they are celebrated, get book deals, and featured on major media outlets, but you know something?

The vast majority of adoptive parents are just simple, ordinary folks whose journeys have been marked, perhaps, by barrenness, struggle, heartbreak, patience, prayer, sustenance, and joy.

Wrapped up in all of their journeys is the steadfastness of humble, yet hopeful hearts.  Ordinary people, making extraordinary decisions.  Ordinary people who take on the most challenging of situations – men and women who seek out to love, hold, and commit their lives to children.

We did not earn the gift of children. Who really earns the right to raise children to whom they did not birth?  I think about the birth-mothers whose gift of life, and their sacrifice of seeking a better life for his or her child.  I think about those whom were told they could not raise their babies.

And then, I think about Mary, the ultimate birth-mother, carrying, laboring, and birthing the hope of the world.  

On this Eve of Christmas Eve, my mind wanders away to her journey to find a place for His birth.  I visualize her look when she first sees His precious face.  I think about her arms wrapping around Him, holding Him tight, and whispering His beautiful name in His ears.

Sitting here on the Eve of Christmas Eve with laundry swishing around in the washer, one child sound asleep in her bed, the other engrossed in a game while resting, and the littlest calling out “Mommy” because he doesn’t want to sleep, all I keep thinking about is the wondrous gift that children are.

I think about the amazing and incredible experience of raising children to whom I did not give birth to.  There is something mightily powerful about raising children. Each child carries within him or her, the hope and zest for a better life.

And then, I think about Mary, the ultimate birth-mother, carrying, laboring, and birthing the hope of the world.  

I know that of all the pleasures that Christmas brings, the ultimate gift is

Jesus Christ.

Messiah.  

Jehovah.  

Yahweh.  

Emmanuel.  

Redeemer.  

Savior.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. -Isaiah 9:6

 

 

Can I get an Amen to that?!

I’m realizing that parenting is one way that the Lord is reminding me that He’s not finished with me yet.

And by not finished with me, I mean…

  • not finished with tempering my sometimes quick temper,
  • not finished with refining my desire to be right,
  • not finished with comparing myself to others,
  • not finished with finding satisfaction in the small successes,
  • not finished with my futile attempt to be in control (can I get an Amen on that one?!)
  • and, not finished with my failure (often) to step back and let Him lead.

Here’s the deal – I’m a failure as a parent, or at least, I often feel like one.

I let the little things bother me. My house is never clean enough. My children are a little, shall I say, strong-willed and “energetic”. I know there are times when they are less than grateful for what they have been given in life. Honestly, I am too.

Today, I had a little glimpse of glory when my six-year-old daughter said, “You know there are homeless people without a Christmas tree.”

I sat there stewing my frustrations about the wild two-year-old who just got every toy out and threw them all over the floor, and thinking about my incredibly sick husband who was dealing with the stomach bug, and I stopped and listened for a moment.

My daughter, who had also been battling the stomach bug today, got really quiet, started smiling, and said, “What if, instead of having Christmas at our house, we go give water and presents to homeless people?”

I’m still trying to figure out the details of how we can work in our family Christmas and one that involves her idea of giving to the homeless, but I walked away from this discussion thinking,

“Thank you, Lord, for that little glimpse of parenting success.”

If most of the lessons I’ve tried to teach my kids wash away, but they grow up with compassion and faith, then maybe, just maybe, I am succeeding as a parent.

I’m realizing that parenting is one way that the Lord is reminding me that He’s not finished with me yet. And by not finished with me, I mean…

  • not finished with tempering my sometimes quick temper,
  • not finished with refining my desire to be right,
  • not finished with comparing myself to others,
  • not finished with finding satisfaction in the small successes,
  • not finished with my futile attempt to be in control (can I get an Amen on that one?!)
  • and, not finished with my failure (often) to step back and let Him lead.

Mothers who are weary, sick of cleaning up the messes, fretting your own failures, doubting your decisions, comparing your flaws, looking around at the mini-disasters in your own living room, doing your best to hold your tongue, wishing you would have said something differently than you did, and enduring hardship, remember this…

The Lord’s not finished with you yet, and He’s not finished with your children.

Can I get an Amen to that?!

“Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God’s Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.” Philippians 1:6 (The Message Bible)

What Adoption Means: Adoption is just another way God Blesses us

“What Adoption Means” Post #8 – Even though we are well into December, I’m continuing my posts from fellow adoptive parents on what adoption means to them.  I have found that a lot of the messages I have received are ones where people want to tell their stories of adoption.  We hear about birth stories.  We listen to women who have given birth describe their pregnancies, and their deliveries, so when someone has the opportunity to share his or her adoption story, I think it is worth reading!

Here is an international adoption story written by Amy, a mother who knows her life would not be complete without her daughter.  Adoption Means #8

“Well to start out… when Mark and I started dating we both expressed interest in adoption.  I personally wanted to only adopt but he wanted biological children also, so we started our marriage with the intent to have two biological children, and adopt two children.

On our 3rd wedding anniversary, we decided to start trying to have a baby.  Eleven and half months later, I was pregnant with Elijah.  My pregnancy went fairly well accept I gained seventy-one pounds!

Delivery was a different story.  It was hard.  Twenty-one hours after my water broke, I was rushed in for a c-section. Not fun!  After that experience, Mark changed his mind about having another bio child.

When Eli was five-months-old, we started talking about adoption. We didn’t want our kids to be very far apart so in April of 2005, we signed paper work with Christian World Adoption.  Paper work kept coming for the next two and a half years!  It was so hard waiting and waiting.  I thought we would never get a referral.

Once all our paperwork was in we had to wait about three months (April to June 12) before we got the phone call that we had a baby!  Our daughter was born May 20, 2007. We were so excited!

They e-mailed us a picture and mailed the rest of our paperwork to sign.  The first time I saw Elena, I was amazed at how beautiful she was. Her eyes were so piercing. I knew when I saw her that we needed each other.

The Lord placed her in our home.  

It was just… right.

For a months everything was going just as we thought it would, and then, the Guatemala program turned. We started hearing bad stories about trips to Guatemala. People were not getting the babies they were planning on. Mix ups with children.  Stolen children.  The program in Guatemala was shutting down.

When we got our referral we thought that we would have her by Thanksgiving.  Nope.  Christmas?  No, again.  We knew that the program was coming to an end, but not even our agency could tell us the deadline date.

We were so nervous.  We didn’t know if we would ever get to go to Guatemala.  All we knew is that if we got our paper work out of the Guatemalan government by Dec. 31, 2007, then we would have a chance.  We asked everyone we knew to pray and fast.  (Really, we had been praying all along and had been fasting on Mondays for a couple of months)

There were so many people fasting and praying with us.  It really is amazing how people can ban together at difficult times.  We decided her name would be Elena Marie.

In December of 2007, we found out that all we had to do was wait for a court date with the Guatemalan embassy.  PRAISE GOD!!!!!!! On January 23rd (1 month later), we got word that our court date was set for February 9th!  Talked about scrambled eggs.  My brain was crazy messed up!

We got to our hotel in Guatemala at 2:00, and Irma (foster-mother) and Elena were supposed to be there at 3:00. We freshened up a bit, and then at 2:40 we went down stairs to wait.  My nerves were shot.  I was shaking and jiggling my legs so hard.  To see the video, it was pretty funny.

At 4:20, they walked through the doors. Elena was asleep. She is so cute when she’s asleep.  She looked like an angel. All my nerves were at peace.  Irma didn’t speak any English and Mark and I speak very little Spanish.

The first 30 minutes,  I just let Irma hold her (she had Elena from the time she was two-days-old until she placed her in our arms).

 I felt like I was respecting her by allowing her to place her in our arms in her timing.

After about an hour, we asked Irma if she wanted to have dinner with us.  She said, “Yes.”  It was so neat getting to know her.  I knew that the more I got to know her, the better I would understand Elena.  It was so true.

Elena immediately attached to us.  That night she cried for me when I went to the rest room.  She slept all night and was great.  Eli fell in love that day! ( He still is. ) She loved us.  WE LOVED HER! ( not like it was a surprise!)

The next night we had dinner with Irma and her husband, Oscar. We hired a translator for the hotel. We received excellent advice and tips for Elena’s habits and personality. It was so fun to sit down and visit with them.

The next day we went to the embassy for our appointment. It really wasn’t anything like I expected.  It was really informal!  We made plans with Irma and Oscar to go to church with them on Sunday.  Our agency told us to not to leave a certain area in Guatemala City but we did.

It was so exciting.  They sang the same songs as we do just in Spanish.  The Holy Spirit was overwhelmingly strong.  I think I cried almost all of the first part of the service.  Irma was too!

I didn’t understand anything Pastor Cash Luna was saying, but it seems to be the most important message I have ever heard.  After church, Irma and Oscar came back to the hotel with us for one last meal together. We really enjoyed our time with them. When it was time for them to leave, Irma came to hug me goodbye.  It was so hard.  We just stood there in the middle of the restaurant and cried just embracing each other.  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I thought we were both going to fall. I was holding her tiny under 5 ‘ body up.  Her head was laying on my chest.  I love her so much.

She is a part of my family now.  She raised my daughter the first 9 1/2 months of her life.  She loves Elena.  She will forever.

It is amazing how much you can learn from someone you know nothing about.  I still pray for her and think about her all the time.  We have sent gifts and pictures and letters , but we get no response.  We don’t know if she gets them, or if it is just too hard for her.

Everyone was so excited to see her; especially my Dad, James.  Oh yeah, and Mark’s youngest sister Tiffany! Everyone immediately loved her.  When she was thirteen-months-old, she started walking and her and her BIG brother were inseparable. They love each other more than most siblings that I have met.

I truly believe every Christian family should make it a priority to adopt.

There are so many children that need us and believe it or not… we need them. Our lives would not be complete with out Elena.  I love her as much as I love my biological son Elijah.

Adoption is just another way God blesses us with kids and builds our families.  Every child deserves a loving family.”