a little bit of hope, joy, love, grace, life and all things in between infertility
“Do you want to do something beautiful for God? There is a person who needs you. This is your chance.”
-Mother Teresa
I find this quote from Mother Teresa to be simple, powerful, and truthful. I think that if you substitute the word child for the word person, it makes this quote even more awesome. I hope your day is one that shines beauty for the Lord’s sake!
And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.
-Matthew 18:5
I love working for a child welfare agency that is not only Christian in name, but in acts and philosophy. The agency has been involved in the social welfare of children since 1886 and has evolved through the years as societal changes have occurred. Although our services have developed through the years to meet the needs of children and families, our priority and reason why we do the work has not changed. We know that we can serve the Lord by ministering to children who are hurting, youth who are struggling, and families who are broken. We also believe and have witnessed the great miracles that occur in the lives of children and families through the love and acceptance of Christ.
One aspect of my job is to speak to families who have expressed an interest in foster care and adoption. Like my husband and I, many families go into fostering with a desire to parent children and know that fostering is an avenue that could lead to adoption. There are others who see it as a way to give back to children or their society. Most of the Christian families I work with feel the Lord calling them to be foster parents and to adopt a child out of foster care.
Thinking about these families leads me straight to the Scripture noted above. Our Heavenly Father loves children. They are near and dear to His heart. One cannot also overlook the fact that He wants us to be like children when it comes to our walk with Him.
I really do enjoy witnessing the love of Christian families that is poured into children in need of foster and adoptive homes. To see and know that change is happening in children’s lives is what keeps most of us in the field of child welfare going. The Lord stirs the hearts of people so that they can minister to His children through fostering and adopting.
Welcoming children in the name of the Father is a blessing. Families who feel the Lord calling them out to become foster and adoptive parents are able to learn so much about their own personal journey with Christ. One such foster parent who was hoping to adopt the child she was fostering, said to me, “The Lord reminded me that they are all His children. We are just taking care of them.”
It is statements like the one above that confirm my personal belief that when people do what they are called to do, especially when it comes to caring for children, the Lord blesses them with His wisdom, His grace, and His power to withstand many trials. When the Lord whispers His plan and His calling into the lives of others, they are able to whisper His love into the lives of children. When one welcomes children, they welcome Him.
The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ – Matthew 25:40
Here’s another sweet story about adoption-
Although Scott and Cammie were blessed with three children, they knew their family was incomplete and yearned for another child. They were unable to have anymore biological children and had been considering international adoption when Cammie came across an exhibit about adoption of children with Down Syndrome at a convention. It tugged at her heart and she left the conference with an application in hand.
Upon returning home, Cammie approached Scott about the idea and showed him the application. He quickly responded with “Why is it still blank?!” Their family had some concerns but were also very supportive of their decision. Cammie is adopted as well so it just seemed to be a natural thing for their family to do. They followed their heart and went through an agency in hopes of being matched with a child who needed a home.
After waiting for two years, they were matched with Addysen, and were so overjoyed! She was 7-months-old at the time. Their adoption is considered open and Addy’s birth parents visit once per year, and they exchange emails. Cammie is pleased to have the level of openness that she does with Addy’s birth parents. This is something she wished she would have had as a child. She is not sure if Addy will ever completely understand adoption, but they continue to openly talk about it.
Scott and Cammie feel the biggest joy of their adoption of Addy is watching her develop and grow to the best of her ability. Because of her special needs, they celebrate each skill she accomplishes. They enroll her in dancing and other activities so that she can develop her social, physical, and emotional skills. Addy is loved and accepted by her extended family and community. She brings great happiness to their lives.
The biggest challenge is dealing with Addy’s health issues. She has multiple complications and spends many days in the hospital. Scott and Cammie have developed a team approach to taking care of Addysen’s medical needs and lean on each other for support during the difficult times. They are wonderful parents to her.
Adoption has taught them that each family is unique and special. It has taught their children that every person is a child of God who is loved deeply regardless of where the person comes from or who they are. Their advice to families considering adoption is trust your heart. If you desire to adopt, then you should follow your heart. Adopting a child with Down Syndrome or other special need may not be for everyone, but they just knew it was meant for them. Adoption has been a tremendous blessing and they cannot imagine life without it!
On a side note, Scott and Cammie are now foster parents and are taking care of a little one with special needs! For information about adopting children with Down Syndrome, please click here. The ministry linked is call Reece’s Rainbow. They advocate for the adoption of children with Down Syndrome from all over the world. Many of these precious babies are abandoned, and in need of loving homes. Here is a link to Cammie’s blog as well The Heflin Family.
Happy Thanksgiving! Here’s my top ten list of things I’m thankful for:
Oh yeah, I’m also thankful for moments like these, and so many more!!
One part of my job with the agency I work for is to recruit foster families. I show a brief documentary about a foster/adoptive family to prospective families as part of this effort. The images and story of the family gives a brief yet insightful glimpse into the life of a typical foster home. It also does a great job of promoting and showing the struggles and work, yet joy that is found in being a foster family.
My favorite part is an interview with a 16-year-old boy who was residing in the home as a foster placement I’m not entirely sure of his whole story, but I get the feeling that he had been passed around a lot and moved from placement to placement. In his interview, the teen describes moving into the family’s home and how much he liked it. He then moved on to giving advice to families who want to foster and adopt out of the system. His words “Let Them Love You” are ones that are hard to forget.
At first, I thought he meant for children to let the foster families love them, but then I realized that he meant foster and adoptive families need to let the children love them. Sometimes, it seems foster families give in too quick when a child does not attach right away, or is not the right fit for their home. The matching of families and children is so difficult when placement is needed immediately. I also understand the complex and sometimes severe issues that cause disruptions in and out of homes. However, I just can’t get his words out of my mind.
I have heard many people say “I could never be a foster parent because I would get too attached.” I know the pain of being attached to a child, yet having to step one foot at a time into the unknown. I get it. Despite the hardship of it all, the children need attachment. They need for families to love them to the point of not wanting to let them go, but they also need families who will recognize that reunifying with birth family is extremely important.
There are over 1000,000 children and youth available for adoption in the United States Foster Care System. Many are children with medical, emotional, and behavioral challenges. Many are part of large sibling groups. Many have meandered through the system without ever setting roots anywhere. Many are like the teenager who spoke on the video I described above. Too many are not anywhere long enough to be allowed to love anyone.
I think the best thing those of us working within child welfare could do to make it better is to listen to the kids who are living life in a system made up of judges, case workers, lawyers, and temporary parents. They have so much to offer us if we just took the time to listen. We need to hear to their words and take heed to their insights. We need to give them the opportunity express their hearts and feelings just like the teenager on the video.
We need to let them love.
My girl, Happy 4th Birthday to You! I didn’t know about you the day you were born. I wasn’t there to welcome you into the world, and to see you take your first breath of Earthly air. I didn’t greet your sweet face with a gasp of joy. My arms were not the first ones to hold you. I didn’t hear your first cry or witness the doctor say how precious you were. I didn’t feed you your first bottle, change your first diaper, or pick out your first garment. I didn’t lock you safely in your car seat and drive you home to your first crib. Our home was not your first one, but our family is yours forever.
Your first year was so special. I celebrated your first taste of real food, your first embraces, your first steps, your first words, and, of course, your first birthday. I cared for your first boo-boos and scared away your first fears. I bought several pink outfits for the first time. There were many firsts that you only had with me. No, I wasn’t there for your first breath of Earthly air, but I was there for your first year.
Your second year came so quickly. I listened as your vocabulary took off and saw how your shy spirit took a backseat to your ever-emerging confident self. I noticed that your first friend was your brother. You were not quite two when our adoption was finalized. I penned your new name for the first time! I took you on your first “girl’s day” shopping spree, and tucked you into your first big girl bed. No, I wasn’t there for your first breath of Earthly air, but I was there for your second year.
Year three seemed to fly by so fast. You learned to dress yourself, and I laughed at some of your first outfits you pulled together. I took you to your first dentist appointment and applauded at how well you brushed your teeth. You and I squealed with excitement at your first tube ride behind papa’s boat. I noticed how quickly you learned to spell your name for the first time. I was amazed at how easily you seemed to pick up on your first numbers and other preschool lessons. I took you to your first dance recital, and wiped tears away while watching you twirl on the stage. No, I wasn’t there for your first breath of Earthly air, but I was there for your third year.
Here we are at the start of another year of life together. How many firsts will we discover this year? I may not have been there to watch you take your first breath of Earthly air, but I am here now. We are here now. I love you so much daughter, and thank the Lord for gracing us with the blessings of you and your four years of firsts.
Adoption: The act of transferring parental rights and duties to someone other than the adopted person’s biological parents. (Concise Encyclopedia/Merriam Webster)
I ran across this definition of adoption when doing some research. It seems so simple; too simple. It doesn’t take into account the emotion, waiting, persistence, patience, grief, giving, receiving, love, and joy that travel along the way towards adoption, and it certainly doesn’t describe life held after adoption. It is so much more than just transferring parental rights.
Adoption is hope. It is commitment. It is patience. It is waiting. It is grief. It is joy. It is giving. It is love. It is receiving.
I gave myself away to my children before they were legally mine. I did not wake up the morning of their adoptions and discover new-found love based on transfer of parental rights. I dreamed of them. I yearned for them. I grieved for them. My soul grasped for them. My imagination sculpted them. Truthfully speaking, I loved them before I even met them.
In return, I received so much more than the legal status of being called mom. I have been given the chance to push a little harder to make the world better for them. I have been awarded the opportunity to imprint their lives with love. I have received living, breathing, laughing joy.
I have received those moments of feeling full well the Lord’s penmanship of my life. I see the Lord in my children’s eyes. I feel Him in their embrace. I hear Him in their wonder of the world. I still remember being that girl who didn’t know when or if I would ever be healed from the pain of barrenness. I still think about her and who she used to be. I still grieve at times for what she went through and for the pain she carried through the years. But then….I look at my children, feel His presence, and know full well that I am healed.
Adoption deserves so much more than a legalistic definition. It is defined by the path that one walks – whether birth parent, adoptive parent, or adopted child. It is shaped by the loss along the way. It is refined by the waiting. It is colored by the emotion and highlighted by the joy. It is enhanced from the giving, and humbled by the receiving. It is love in action, hope in process, and life lived in the full awareness of Him.
Yes…adoption is so much more.
This is post #15 of National Adoption Month! I thought I would pass along a short, but sweet story told to me by an elderly lady when she heard that my children were adopted. Here it is….
There was a little girl and her mother at the grocery store. The little girl kept running up to people and saying “I’m adopted! I’m adopted!” After doing this for quite some time, her mother said to her, “Sweetie, stop bragging.”
I don’t know about you, but it made me smile the first time I heard it. Adoption really is something quite sacred, special, and worthy of bragging about!
Have a blessed day!
The other day my son said something to me that stopped me in my tracks. He was mad at me for getting on to him about needing to clean his room when he said, “You’re not my real mom.” Whoa…I felt that gut-wrenching, knife in the heart, floor dropping out from under me twinge of pain. After he said it, I sat down next to him and looked at him. He had that look of confusion mixed in with a little sadness and anger.
I asked him, “Sweetie, what do you mean?” Nothing…nothing but staring off at the TV screen. “Honey, please help me understand what you mean. Do you mean that I’m not your real mom because I didn’t give birth to you like your birth mother did?” Silence. Then finally, he looked at me and said, “You are not my real mom because you tell me what to do and you always get me in trouble.” I have to admit that I was a little more relieved with his explanation, but still bothered. I told him that he gets in trouble when he disobeys, and my job as his mom is to tell him what to do sometimes. I also told him that we are his real parents and that we love him more than anything. He looked at me and said, “Okay, but you’re still not my real mom.” My mind was racing with how to handle this. I grabbed the basket of laundry and used it as an excuse to escape off to our room to silently and quickly allow myself to exhale, gather my thoughts, and hold back the tears that were wanting to escape.
I returned to the living room and noticed that he went on with his after-school routine of building Legos, drawing, and eating a snack. From time to time though, he looked at me and studied my face. I kept it all together. I acted as if nothing was wrong and that his words had not bothered me. We went on with the rest of the afternoon like usual. Later on in the evening, my son was quite clingy. He wanted me to hold him, lay by him on the couch, snuggle, etc. I took him up on the offer, and wondered if his words were still on his mind as well.
When I told my husband what was said, he responded “Caroline, you have to expect this. If he knows it bothers you, then he will use it in the future when he is mad about something. He was probably just testing you out to see how you would respond.” My husband was right. I do expect both of my children to refer to their birth parents as their “real” parents at some time during their lives. I expect them to have a lot of questions about their birth family histories, how they ended up in our home, and anything else that has to do with adoption. I guess I just didn’t expect it so soon, and I certainly didn’t expect it to hurt so much.
I don’t even know where my son got the term “real mom”, or why he would say this. I know he was mad at me, but he had never said anything like that to me before. Perhaps someone said something to him at school. Maybe he overheard someone else talking about this. Or perhaps, he is just starting to really process and learn how to navigate his own world of adoption. Maybe he has a fantasy version of his birth mother, and in that fantasy she would never “get on to him”, put him in time-out, or make him clean his room. I don’t know, but it reminded me that adoption is extremely complex and there are layers within it. One certainly needs to have “thick-skin”!
One thing though that has been laid on my heart since all of this took place is that my husband and I need to be mindful of the adoption language we use around the home and in the community. We need to be there to answer any and ALL questions our children have even if it makes us uncomfortable. We need to not perceive questions about birth parents as a threat to who were are and the relationship we have with our children.
And, we need to keep in mind that we are their real parents. We are a real family. We get on to each other. We discipline the kids when they are being disobedient. We lose our tempers at times. We get frustrated at times. We are not perfect. But, if we were perfect, didn’t lose our tempers, didn’t get frustrated, didn’t discipline, and didn’t get on to each other, then we would not be real at all.
Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still Miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You did not grow under my heart,
But in it.
-Fleur Conkling Heyliger
This is another well-known poem about adoption. I did not carry my children in my body. I carried them in my prayers, hopes, dreams, tears, imagination, and heart.
BARREN TO BLESSED 