Momma-in-Waiting

photo taken when I was a momma-in-waiting
photo taken when I was a momma-in-waiting

Pssst…Hey momma-in-waiting. Yes, you…. You held your breath when the doctor walked in.  You lost his words after you heard, “I’m afraid I have some bad news…”  In that moment, you felt the weight of the world collapse onto your shoulders.  Your body went limp.  You became numb.  You had to shake yourself back out of the stupor you were in.  You were told that you would never carry a child in your womb, but what you thought was….

“I will never be a mother.”

You’ve gotten good at faking that shy smile when others ask how you are doing.  You’ve gotten even better at letting others think you are just fine.  “Fine”….that word is meaningless in your world, except for the fact that you are not fine.  That word has become the mask you wear.  Inside that mask though, you are devastated.  You are trying to keep it all together.  You are pretending to be okay with the news, so much so, that even those closest to you cannot hear the grief-stricken song your soul is singing.

Pssst…Hey momma-in-waiting.  Yes, you….You carry on, and pretty soon days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, and now, it has been years since you walked into the desert.  Out of courtesy, you join in with others while they celebrate the new arrivals of precious ones into their lives.  You are on the sidelines, sitting on the bench, and waiting…waiting to be the one who is celebrating a life with children.  You feel shame for your jealousy; and yet, you cannot help it.  You feel embarrassment for those long, tearful drive homes after baby showers.  You are exhausted from crying yourself to sleep.  You cannot be comforted, and, you don’t want to be.

You don’t look forward to opening up birth announcements because you know that with each tear of the envelope, a little more of your heart is being torn.  It pains you to buy the gifts, wrap them with a pretty bow, and walk through the doors to greet the one who is carrying what you cannot.  Anger sits by your side.  It has become your friend, but it doesn’t serve you, it doesn’t care about you, and it doesn’t fix your problem.  You are a jilted daughter.  You have been robbed of the very thing you want more than anything.  You are thinking….

“Why Lord? Why can’t I be a mother?  What did I do wrong?”

Pssst…Hey momma-in-waiting.  Yes, you….Your life is different from what you thought.  There is great silence in your world.  The longing you feel is so deep that it feels as if it will consume you at any moment.  Your child, your baby, your dream….has vanished.  You think about your baby.  You visualize him.  He has your eyes, daddy’s chin, he is perfect, and he is wonderful.  He was perfect….He was wonderful….He was yours.  You feel haunted by a child who will never be born.

Pssst… Hey momma-in-waiting. Yes, you… You who have longed for years to have and to hold a child of your own, only to be told that it will not, it cannot, ever happen.  Your walk in this world feels heavy.  You know there are multitudes of others out there going through the same thing, but you feel like the loneliest person in the world.  You read the brochures about adoption that are sent to you, and you listen to the advice of others…but…you know this is a battle all to your own.  You are a soldier fighting in an army of one.

You are a momma-in-waiting.

Has anyone ever told you that it is okay to feel the way you do?  Has anyone told you that they too would be grieving if in your shoes?  Has anyone ever given you a true glimpse of hope for the future?

Pssst…Hey momma-in-waiting.  Yes, you…The One who created you sat by you when the floor fell out from under your feet while in the doctor’s office.  The One who created you sees your half-hearted attempt to be happy for others.  He holds your hand when you walk into baby showers, He reads the announcements with you, and He catches the tears that tire out your weakened body.  He is in the silence.  The One who created you hears the song of your grief-stricken soul.

He sees the baby you dream about.    He knows the baby you dream about.    He is creating the baby you dream about.

Pssst….Hey momma-in-waiting.  Yes, you….Don’t give up.  Don’t give in.  You are weak from your battle, but the One who created you is standing firm.  He did not forsake you as He hung on the cross, and He will not forsake you now.  You are thirsty walking through this desert, but He is there to quench your thirst.  You feel devoid of life, but He is life.

Has anyone ever told you that there is great worth in the wait?  Soon, yes, soon…the wait will be just a memory, the pain will perish, and your soul’s song will be one of joy.

Pssst….Hey momma-in-waiting.  Yes, you….Lift your head and dry your eyes.

Soon, yes, soon….You will no longer be a momma-in-waiting.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

**I wrote this piece in hopes of both validating and inspiring women who are struggling with infertility.  As I look at the picture taken of me years ago, I can see the hardship of the years in my eyes.  If you are not a regular reader of my blog, you may not know that I am a mother through the gift of adoption.  I can look back now and see that while I was in the despair of infertility, the Lord was writing the story of my life, and the lives of my children, to include each other. For that I am truly blessed!**

15 thoughts on “Momma-in-Waiting

  1. Amy Dennis

    This is beautiful. Thank you for this. I have been in a similar position and know the feeling all too well. Through this trial came the light. The Lord showed me my calling to foster children. Even though I still wish to bear a child, I know that if it is in his plan, it will be. Your words are very uplifting!

    Like

    1. barrentoblessed

      You are welcome. I’m thankful that the words the Lord gives me are inspiring to others who are going through similar circumstances in life. God bless you on your journey, and thank you for being a foster parent!

      Like

  2. Tara Holland

    I remember the years before my husband and I had children when I felt that way too. I am thankful that God chose to bless us with children of our own, but I have also come to realize that being a mother is about so much more than having a baby growing within you. I have single friends who have become excellent “mothers” to other people at our church, and I know of so many adoptive mothers and foster mothers who are more connected with their children than I am with mine even! Part of me wishes that I wasn’t genetically related to my children so that they wouldn’t have to face the same issues that I did as a kid, but I know that God has a plan and a purpose for it all. I am thankful that he is able to care for us, whatever our circumstances may be. For those of you without children of your own womb, I hope you can take encouragement from Isaiah 54:1 and know that this too is only for a time.

    Like

    1. barrentoblessed

      I have actually adopted 2 children and have guardianship of another one. I wrote this piece more as a reflective one on how I felt in the past, and to validate and encourage others out there who are going through infertility. I’m tremendously in love with my children and know we were meant to be a family!

      Like

  3. Megan Verstoppen

    I have read this beautiful post many times since last night, when I couldn’t bear the thought of having to wait any longer, to have to go through more failed cycles (I’ve only been through 2 so far, but each one broke me a little bit more) and weed out good and bad OBGYNs… This post, found in a Google search, has brought me more comfort, more connection to the Savior than anything else has. Thank you.

    Like

    1. barrentoblessed

      You are welcome, and thank you for the kind words and for the courage to post them. Infertility can be so spiritually draining; more than people give it credit for. I don’t know your situation at all of course, and I know it is always easier to look back and see how the Lord pulled everything together, but I hope that you find peace in knowing that whatever your future is, He is already there. Thanks again for reading. I have a public email on this blog if you ever need to get in touch or need to vent at all. Blessings!

      Like

  4. icanseealight

    Thank you for putting into words feelings that are so difficult to express. Lately I feel like I’m being encouraged not to give up the fight (to adopt) yet, but this road has been so long sometimes I just feel so tired. Dealing with friends’ baby showers has given way to their children’s first day of kindergarten, to them going back to work, and I’m still waiting…

    Like

  5. Pingback: The Road Less Traveled | barrentoblessed

  6. Pingback: Momma-in-Waiting (Part 2) | barrentoblessed

  7. Pingback: Momma-in-Waiting (Part #3) | barrentoblessed

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s